Teasing or Sibling Abuse?

by | Aug 2, 2023 | Guest Posts, home

Sadie’s Story

Laying in the cold sheets of her bed as the tears dried on her face, Sadie wondered why they hated her. What had she done to them to have them hate her so much? Maybe if she was prettier and smarter like her older sister, or if she was blonde and had blue eyes like her younger sisters, they would love her more. She wondered if she was really adopted, more like hoped she was, and her birth parents would one day come and rescue her. Anxiety filled her mind and body just thinking about tomorrow. She knew she would soon have to face them all again, and it would start all over.

​As morning came, she rolled herself out of bed. She listened at the door to make sure no one was coming down the hall. The sound of her parents talking, and her baby brother crying was all she heard. She opened her door slightly and peeked out. The hallway was clear to the bathroom, so she hurried across the hall and locked the bathroom door behind her. A quick shower was all she needed. As she turned on the water she heard a bang on the door, “Hurry up moron you have been in there all morning, it’s my turn.” She hurried out and as she passed an older sibling in the hall, she felt a hand on her head and then her face smack against the wall. “Watch where you’re going, idiot.” This was just the beginning of her morning and knew this wasn’t the worst of it. Sadie suffered each day with a constant battle for survival in her own home. Her siblings called her names, spit in her drinks when she wasn’t looking, made fun of her crooked teeth, and much more. Sadie wasn’t the only sibling to experience abuse happening in the family. 

During the day she had some relief from the hate at home. She had a few friends but mostly kept to herself. She didn’t talk much because she was afraid of what her peers would say about her. Her teachers would often comment about how she was so quiet and never spoke up in class. But even the attention of her teacher asking her this filled her with anxiety. She was not used to having an adult talk to her in a calm manner. But this was still easy compared to what she faced at home.

Teasing or Sibling Abuse?

​If this story is starting to sound like you have heard this before, then you may have come from a larger family or know someone who has. Although sibling abuse occurs most frequently in large families, it can still occur in any family, no matter how small or large. Some would say this behavior is just normal sibling behavior. That they are just playing and teasing each other. But how far does just teasing have to go to be considered abuse?

Overlooking this abuse can be detrimental to a child’s self-confidence and mental health. Children who suffer from sibling abuse are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, low self-esteem, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and suicide. They are at higher risk of facing other types of abuse in their life including domestic violence, dating violence, and intimate partner violence. If this abuse was happening to Sadie at school, there would be interventions to help stop this abuse. We have programs for domestic violence, child abuse, and bullying at school, but when it comes from a sibling it is considered harmless.

Research suggests that parents have a hard time determining what is abuse and what should be considered harmful teasing. In non-sexual sibling abuse, the abuse is more likely to be emotional and, in some cases, physical. In Sadie’s case, she was experiencing emotional and physical abuse. Her parents tried to stop the fighting but just couldn’t keep up. They never thought it could cause so many adverse effects for their children that they would carry with them through their lives. 40 % of American children have participated in physical sibling abuse, and 85 % participated in psychological abuse.

What Can I Do?

How can we help children like Sadie? Watch for signs, in Sadie’s case, the signs were: being quiet, keeping to herself, and being nervous to talk to others. Report to the authorities if you suspect something could be happening at home. Even if they do not find anything at least this allows the parents to reflect on their child’s well-being. Parents, watch how your children interact with each other, if there is name calling, hitting or other physical or mental abuse put a stop to it. Teach your children about respect and what to do if someone is mistreating them. And finally, by sharing the knowledge that sibling abuse is real we can help more children like Sadie to escape the trauma and anxiety of being afraid in their own home.

Fortunately, Sadie did get help, from her guidance counselor at school. Sadie and her family were able to get the family counseling they needed. She is currently working as a family therapist and advocating for children who are experiencing any form of abuse.

My name is Mindy Ash, I am from West Mountain, Utah. I have lived in Utah all of my life and love living here. I am married with three children. I have a son-in-law, a new grandbaby, and a soon-to-be daughter-in-law. I am currently working towards my bachelor’s degree in marriage, family, and human relations at Brigham Young University- Idaho through the pathways program. I will then work towards my master’s degree in family and marriage therapy. My plan is to help others who have struggled with a spouse or family member struggling with addiction.

Family Dinner: Feeding Connection to a Starving Generation

by | Apr 19, 2023 | Guest Posts, home

Eating dinner together will change your child’s life. (Hint: It’s not about the food.)

Don’t get me wrong—I’ve learned a lot of food-related life lessons at the kitchen table. Wait your turn. Only take what you can eat. Don’t talk with your mouth full. Express gratitude.

On a less food-related note, eating together also taught me how to keep up with the banter of movie quotes and quips between my siblings. Dad helped us to appreciate good storytelling and how to estimate the height of a cereal box. Mom taught us to slow down and breathe deeply, at least once a day.

At face value, these things might not seem overtly remarkable or life-changing to learn.You might be thinking, “That’s fine and well for you, but it just doesn’t work in my family. Besides, what’s the big deal? Would missing out on any of this really affect my child?”

Let me assure you, this is not just a matter of table manners or meal etiquette. What if I told you that eating meals as a family impacts your child’s future, including their social, mental, physical, and academic development? Allow me to explain.

A 2008 study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health discovered a correlation between the frequency of family meals and female adolescent substance abuse. As the frequency of family meals increased, the use of substances such as alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana decreased.

Another study reported similar findings regarding at-risk behaviors among both males and females. This evidence strengthens the claim that less family meals indicate more prevalence of drug and alcohol use, violence, depression, and other harmful behaviors among adolescents.

So yes, it is a big deal. Choosing to regularly eat meals together as a family will help protect your children against risky and detrimental behavior.

Why is this the case? What does family dinner have to do with happy and healthy children? One of the studies mentioned above sheds light on this question. Not only was a lack of family meals connected with at-risk behavior, but a habit of regular family meals was connected with increased parental involvement, healthy boundaries, family support, good adult role models, academic motivation, self-esteem, and other benefits. (What a mouthful!) Each of these indicates a positive overall home environment.

Again, it’s not about the food. It’s about the culture your family creates, the relationship your family builds, and the connection your family fosters by sharing meals together. Your child needs this stable, loving, involved family environment in order to truly thrive.

Is the lack of shared family meals really an issue today? For the first time ever, the U.S. Department of Agriculture reported that food expenditures away from home exceeded those for food at home. That was in 2010. This trend has continued through 2021. The more money we spend on meals away from home, the less likely we are to be eating with our family. Because family meals are essential to creating and maintaining the family environment, this doesn’t bode well for our children.

As a parent, you may be reading this and thinking, “Oh no—not another thing to add to my overfull parenting plate!” (Food pun intended.) You might think you’re simply too busy or it’s too inconvenient to feasibly eat meals together as a family.

If you think this way, I plead with you to think again.

Are you really too busy to create priceless opportunities to connect with your children?

Is it really less convenient to eat together than it is to help your child navigate depression, addiction, or aggressive behavior?

Motivational speaker Marcus Taylor said it well: “You must suffer the pain of discipline or suffer the pain of regret. Being fit is hard. Being overweight is hard. Choose your hard!”

As a child, I could not choose whether my family shared meals. Your child cannot choose this either. As the parent, this is your choice. Prioritizing family meals will be hard. Dealing with the long-term developmental and relationship consequences of not having family meals will be hard. “Choose your hard.”​

Whether you already make time for multiple family meals each week or if you can’t remember the last time you sat down to dinner together, you can take a step towards improvingyour family culture, relationships, and connections by making family mealtimes a priority. If this is new to you, start by picking one meal each week for everyone to share at home together. Choose to be intentional about your child’s future. “Choose your hard.”

Erin Poore is a Minnesota girl. She is currently studying Marriage and Family Studies and Apparel Design at Brigham Young University-Idaho, and wishing she had unlimited elective credits to pursue everything else she finds engaging. She loves planned spontaneity and adventuring outdoors, treasures time with her family, and enjoys every opportunity to be creative, whether that’s dancing, writing, playing music, or inventing the next analogy or pun to share with alternately awed or cringing friends.

Love: The Best Christmas Gift Ever!

by | Dec 17, 2015 | home, Marriage

Family-Good things to come-34

I’m guessing most of you women are already done holiday shopping – and some of you have probably been done since August. On the other hand, I suspect that most of you men are not done holiday shopping – and some of you probably won’t start until Christmas Eve.

Regardless of your gender or the amount of Christmas shopping you’ve already accomplished, let me suggest a gift that you can offer that will be more important than any other gifts you will give this holiday season – the gift of increased love for your spouse!

Allow me to explain.

Defining Love

Love can be defined in a variety of ways. Dictionary.com, for instance, defines love as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Meriam-Webster offers another definition: affection based on admiration, benevolence or common interests.

While I like these definitions, let me share two of my favorite descriptions of love. They are as profound as they are simple.

  1. Love is a decision
  2. Love is a verb

What do these principles look like when applied in a marriage?

Love is a decision

In my professional life, I teach a Preparing for Marriage class at BYU-Idaho. We discuss in great detail the importance of “choosing well” when it comes to spouse selection. As far as life’s choices go, this decision really is one of the most important!

Once married though, we must constantly choose if we will show love to our spouse (even when they may be less lovable). This often comes easily during engagement and the “honeymoon period” of a marriage. However, it’s just as important to keep loving our spouse as time goes on. Yes, this means loving them when they are grumpy, if they lose their hair, if they put on a few pounds, if they are challenged with depression, or even if they struggle with the same weaknesses for an extended period of time. You get the idea.

Love really is a decision! But, it isn’t simply a one-time decision made prior to marriage. We have to decide every day to truly love our spouse! This holiday season, I challenge you to choose today, tomorrow, and each day to love your spouse with all of your heart.

Love is a verb

Not only is love something we have to choose every day, but it’s also something that requires action. For instance, it’s one thing for me to tell my wife that I love her (and I do frequently). However, with 5 energetic children, she often feels even more love when I do the dishes or fold the laundry.

For your spouse, “showing love” may mean watching a sappy movie or enjoying a ballgame together. It might mean going out dancing or buying a thoughtful gift. Maybe it means taking more time to kiss or spending more time nourishing your sexual stewardship. And perhaps it could also include helping out more with the kids or with household chores.

While it’s critical to frequently say “I love you,” it may be even more important to consistently show “I love you.” And remember, showing that love each day is truly a choice!

Regardless of whatever other gifts you may buy this holiday season, give your spouse a little extra love this Christmas. This is a gift that will be truly treasured!

 

 

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