Tears of the Parent

 The crying started when I was eight. It came and went as I grew, but mostly it came. As a new mother, all I wanted was to be happy.  But I wasn’t. My dreams of becoming a mother were fulfilled with the birth of my oldest child, Harrison. But the tears kept coming. Occasionally, I would have bouts of energy. Sometimes I didn’t need sleep. Other times, I slept all day. Years later, I learned I have bipolar disorder. The proper medications and psychiatry helped ease the crying. My emotions evened, and my energy levels became more consistent. I found I could mostly be happy. But what was the effect on my children?

Having Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), is a severe mental illness causing unusual mood shifts ranging from extreme highs known as “manic” episodes to extreme lows known as “depressive” episodes.

In the article, “This Is What It’s Like to Actually Live With Bipolar Disorder”, twenty-nine-year-old Danielle described being bipolar as having intense mood swings and extreme overreactions to everyday situations. Danielle would go from deeply insecure to super confident. She also had thoughts of worthlessness and suicide, along with bouts of creativity.

Danielle was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, just like me. We both experience highs and lows that affect our everyday living, as do others with bipolar disorder.

Who does Bipolar affect?

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance reports the following:

  • 5.7 million adults, or 2.6%, have bipolar disorder.
  • Bipolar disorder can be diagnosed as early as childhood or as late as the 40’s or 50’s.
  • Most people are diagnosed around the age of 25.
  • Bipolar disorder affects all types of people. It does not discriminate between men and women, age, race, ethnic group, or social class.
  • Heredity can have an effect. Two-thirds of those diagnosed have relatives with bipolar disorder.

How are children affected?

If bipolar disorder affects Danielle and me so severely, how does it affect the children of the 5.7 million adult Americans struggling with this?

The results of one study show that families who struggle with bipolar disorder report lower levels of family cohesion, expressiveness, and higher levels of conflict compared to families that don’t struggle with bipolar.

Another study suggests that children are at an increased risk for developing mood and other disorders when their parent is bipolar.

Therefore, children of bipolar parents are more likely to develop mood disorders as compared to children without bipolar parents. This is not only because bipolar can be hereditary but also because the home can be less stable, causing anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses. The family life of those with bipolar disorder has less family cohesion. When a parent withdraws or is distant because of their mental illness, it can leave the family feeling less of a unit and more like individuals trying to survive. Families with bipolar parents are known to have a distressed family environment. The children and spouse of a parent with bipolar can feel troubled at home.

The studies show that life with a bipolar parent present unique and difficult challenges.

What happened to Harrison?

Harrison grew up with me not always being emotionally stable. I slept a lot, cried a lot, was creative and energetic at times, and irritable at times. I did my best to hide the hard parts and explain the visible parts.

So how is he now? Harrison is nineteen and away at college. He texts me every day. “Hi, Mom. How are you?” He is happy, well-adjusted, kind, caring, compassionate, and empathetic. Harrison wants to be a counselor.

Was Harrison affected by me as a bipolar mother? Of course, but despite the unique challenges we faced as a family, he has learned how to handle those challenges and become better from them. He let me rest when I needed rest and asked if I was ok. He offered hugs when my eyes were red from crying. He was not responsible for caring for me, but he was kind and gentle. He learned to listen to his friends. They call him when they are struggling. He offers his friends support and asks me to pray for them. The effects of having a bipolar mom not only shaped the course of Harrison’s life but put it on a trajectory to help others. Not every child will have the same outcome and that’s okay! Every child has a different personality and experience in life. Though they will face many challenges there are things that can be done to help them as they navigate life with a bipolar parent. 

What you can do as a bipolar parent

If you are a parent and have bipolar disorder, there are steps you can take to help yourself and your family.

  • Take your medication and get psychiatric help. Don’t skip the pills or miss your appointments. Your mind and body need consistency.
  • Take care of your body. Eat regular meals, get a good night’s rest, drink plenty of water, and get your body moving.
  • Be honest and open with your children. Explain how you feel and what you are going through in an age-appropriate way. Sometimes, simply saying, “I’m feeling sad today,” can help ease a child’s mind.
  • Be gentle with yourself and show yourself grace. Don’t beat yourself up. You can do this.

Can life be hard for a child with a bipolar parent? Of course! But it doesn’t have to be grim. No family will look like mine, and everyone will learn how to manage bipolar disorder in different ways. But there is hope. Look at Harrison.

My name is Kendra Cuzick. I am studying marriage and family at BYU-Idaho. I teach preschool and write children’s books. I advocate for mental health by writing a weekly blog called, “How Are You Monday”. Supporting others with their mental health is important to me as I can personally empathize with them because of my own mental health struggles. I live in Phoenix, Arizona, with my husband and five children

Are You Feeling like the Black Sheep Too?

Have you ever felt that you did not belong?  Maybe you feel a little different than those around you?  It’s like an internal battle that creates a feeling of being the “black sheep” or the “outcast.” I have seen this happen in my family and have experienced it in my own life.  

First, my younger sister.  Thanks to relentless allergies and a struggle with depression at a young age, she felt miserable and seemed to take it out on all of us.  Our family could not go anywhere without her having a meltdown or throwing a fit.  Her behavior was used as an excuse anytime our family missed out on fun experiences or memory-making moments.  There was a lot of frustration, anger, and stress with my parents that spread into our family and my sister seemed to be at the center of it.  She was like the “black sheep.”

This role of the “black sheep”, or the “outcast,” is labeled as the identified patient.  The identified patient seems to take the brunt of the family’s problems and/or gets blamed for every negative thing.  By having an identified patient in the family, it is often easier to hide root issues that are not resolved in the family’s system.  It is a bit like playing the blame game.  If there is someone to blame for the discontent, then the deeper struggles can be pushed aside.  In my sister’s case, her behavior gave the perfect space for blame when it was needed in our family.  

Second, my personal struggles.  As my siblings and I grew, I began to struggle with anxiety which was not easily understood.   As I started a family of my own, anxiety and depression reared its ugly head.  I was faced with an emotional battle that I did not know how to handle on my own.  It was hard enough that my husband did not know how to help, but it was worse when I felt I could not rely on my family of origin for comfort or support.  

Everyone said to “get over it” or “let it go.”  As an adult, my parents and siblings would often try to talk me into doing recreational things with them because “it would help me.”  When I would say “no,” ridicule would often follow, or plans would change, and I would feel blamed. Sometimes I felt as if I was being treated as a sick patient, which often left me with a victim mentality or a feeling of being helpless.  In any case, I would find myself feeling worse mentally and emotionally simply because I was misunderstood and I felt I had taken on the role as the “outcast.”

Finding Space for Blame

According to Marriage and Family Therapist and Relational Trauma Recovery Specialist, Annie Wright, an identified patient is one that emerges from a negative family lifestyle.  This can be an abusive, dysfunctional, or chaotic family with adversity in the early childhood of the “patient.”  Anytime that a family is not able to tolerate or handle stressful situations, an identified patient can, and possibly will, emerge.  Instead of working on the root problems within the family, it is often easier to find an imagined source of contention and place the blame on him or her, resulting in the “real problem” being ignored and dysfunction being disguised.  

A Rise in Anxiety

How does this affect us today?  According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), 3.6%, or 264 million people worldwide struggle with anxiety.  In the United States alone, the prevalence of anxiety in adults is 19.1%, and in teenagers, ranging in age from 13 to 18 years old, about 32%.  

So, imagine this is you.  You are striving each day to make it the best day despite feeling overworked, providing for a family, the loss of a job, health issues, parenting, relationship issues, the never-ending list of household chores, etc.  Every now and then, you experience anxiety because of the heavy load that you carry.  For a teen or a child, the reasons for developing anxiety are different.  The National Education Association explored some of these reasons and found the pressure to fit in, to achieve, and from social media were at the top of the list.  In addition, not feeling safe at school has also become a fear.

Now imagine turning to family or loved ones and feeling neglect rather than support.  How would you handle that situation?  How would you find your “safe space?”  Unfortunately, for some, that “safe space” comes in the form of consistent worry and anxiety and a feeling of looming loneliness while living each day.  

Annie Wright claims that when the family system is not able to tolerate the growing stressors around them, family members take care of themselves by outsourcing or dumping their feelings onto one individual leaving this member of the family feeling worn down and anxious. Often teens and children make themselves the identified patient by keeping their personal stressors tucked inside.  Without adequate support to work through the negative feelings or thoughts, a generalized anxiety disorder or some form of mental illness may begin to develop.

Finding Relief and Support

Anxiety is on the rise for many.  We could all do better to help lift, support, and love one another regardless of our struggles so that we can all maintain a level of safety and peace within ourselves. Dr. Terry Warner taught, “Seeing other people as the problem, is the problem.” Instead of pointing out the “black sheep” or labeling others as an “anxious person,” we should help one another to heal through a higher level of compassion and support.    We have the power to create change by recognizing our need to advocate for one another and erasing the idea of the identified patient.  

The Jefferson Center offers some insight to help families better understand one another.  They suggest staying calm, being an active listener, respecting differing opinions, considering the bigger picture, and creating safe boundaries.  These useful tips can be used in any situation especially with anxiety.  

Ways to help lessen anxiety in yourself or someone you love include meditation, yoga, rest, exercise, journaling, and therapy.  When support from loved ones seems too far distant, finding those that have your best interest at heart is vital.  Anxiety can be a lonely battle, especially if others try to label you as the identified patient, but with the right tools, you can become empowered and grow through the struggle.  

 

My name is Heather Larsen. I am married and have two kids.  My family is my world!  I am graduating from BYU-Idaho in July 2024 with plans to attend grad school to study mental health and well-being.  I am a family life coach working toward becoming board-certified.  I have truly enjoyed working in the coaching field and walking with people along their journeys.  After enduring my own personal struggle, I have developed love and gratitude for anxiety.  I am committed to learning about, sharing with, advocating for, and supporting those who have a similar struggle.

How Post-Partum Depression and Bliss Can Coexist

mom dad baby

I had a beautiful baby girl, a husband who was ecstatic to be a dad, and all of my physical needs met. I should have been so happy.

But I just wanted to run.

I couldn’t be comfortable in the same room with my baby. Nursing was extremely difficult. She cried incessantly. I struggled to bond with my baby. I thought it was just the “baby blues” that most women experience within the first two weeks after delivery. But as time went on, I continued to feel despair and inadequacy.

What is PPD?

As I quickly learned, Post-partum Depression (PPD) is no joke. New motherhood is itself an emotional roller coaster, but one out of seven new mothers also experience PPD. PPD is the most common complication of childbirth and is significantly underdiagnosed. And PPD can affect any postpartum mom, regardless of race or socioeconomic status.

You may feel like the early, blissful moments you anticipated with your sweet new baby have been stolen away. That was my experience, and this is my story. 

Self-Prescribed Treatment

I thought maybe I could fix it myself, but the heavy cloud of hopelessness lingered well after the “baby blues” period. I tried exercising daily to lighten my moods. I took violin lessons thinking it might bring me happiness. I tried positive thinking and expressing gratitude, but none of these tactics were very effective. I thought maybe it was something marriage and family counselling could resolve. That was unsuccessful too. I couldn’t think of anything else. I was stuck.

A Relieving Solution 

Approximately three months postpartum, I realized that this “haze” might be PPD. I remembered what I learned in my birthing class about PPD – that there were resources at my obstetrician’s office to get help. I set an appointment and met with the clinic’s PPD specialist for a screening. She was so understanding and nonjudgmental as I voiced my struggle. She reassured me, prescribed me medication, and kick-started my healing.

After a few weeks of treatment, I was able to build a stronger bond with my baby. I felt more energized and motivated to take care of myself, my baby, and everything else. I was finally able to feel the joy of motherhood! I loved her all along, yes, but I now had a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

Self-Love: An Added Bonus

In the months that followed, I focused on loving myself, particularly my changed body. It’s all too easy to get caught up in society’s expectations and influences to “get your body back,” and I found myself buying into it.

I had to change my perspective, or else I would never love and accept my newly abundant stretch marks and six-inch C-section scar. It was a challenge, but ultimately, I realized that I sacrificed my body to create a human life. My imperfections are proof of it, a beautiful reminder of that miracle.

My husband often reassures me how much he loves this new version of me, which definitely helps. However, I still have to actively put forth the effort to love myself, regardless of what other people think. I need my own love more than anyone else’s (sorry to break it to you, hubby 😉). I’ve come to understand that, yes, it is essential to be comfortable in my own skin, but my worth does not derive from my appearance or the amount of space I fill.

My journey of self-love has only just begun, but it has been an important component of getting to where I am today – 13 months postpartum. I now feel capable of becoming the best version of myself because I got the treatment I needed and have been cultivating self-love.    

Normalizing Postpartum Depression 

Having PPD is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s simply a chemical imbalance that is treatable, thanks to modern medicine. And as I mentioned earlier, it’s something that many moms experience. So know that you are not alone! This is not your fault, nor are you to blame. 

If you are struggling in the same way that I was, there is no shame in taking care of yourself. Get help! If your symptoms linger past two weeks postpartum or returns anytime within one year after delivery, consider seeking medical attention.

Treating PPD may look a little different for each person. My choice of treatment doesn’t have to be yours. So explore your options!

Why PPD Matters to Everyone

If PPD has never been your issue but you have a loved one in the postpartum period, genuinely ask them how they are doing. Be a safe person for them to talk to. Help them seek treatment if necessary.

If nothing else, I hope sharing my story will foster increased compassion and understanding for the many women who experience PPD. 

You deserve happiness as much as anyone else. I’m no expert, but I truly believe that PPD and bliss can coexist, because I’m experiencing it.  

Let’s normalize PPD, seek and embrace healing, and end the stigma.

Resources

The following helpline and number to text are available from Postpartum Support International to help you (or a loved one) get started in the healing journey: 

Helpline: 1.800.944.4773

Textline: 503.894.9453 

 

Elise Blaser has a Bachelor of Business Management with an emphasis in Human Resources. She has a wonderful husband, Zach, and a beautiful one-year-old daughter, Violet. Before becoming a mom, she was a Program Developer for FIELDS, a nonprofit organization for Native American education and economic development, where she created and implemented a values-based, life-skills curriculum for underserved youth. She is passionate about health and wellness and sharing her life experiences to help uplift others.