by Guest Blogger | Aug 12, 2024 | Guest Posts, Parenting
The crying started when I was eight. It came and went as I grew, but mostly it came. As a new mother, all I wanted was to be happy. But I wasn’t. My dreams of becoming a mother were fulfilled with the birth of my oldest child, Harrison. But the tears kept coming. Occasionally, I would have bouts of energy. Sometimes I didn’t need sleep. Other times, I slept all day. Years later, I learned I have bipolar disorder. The proper medications and psychiatry helped ease the crying. My emotions evened, and my energy levels became more consistent. I found I could mostly be happy. But what was the effect on my children?
Having Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar disorder, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), is a severe mental illness causing unusual mood shifts ranging from extreme highs known as “manic” episodes to extreme lows known as “depressive” episodes.
In the article, “This Is What It’s Like to Actually Live With Bipolar Disorder”, twenty-nine-year-old Danielle described being bipolar as having intense mood swings and extreme overreactions to everyday situations. Danielle would go from deeply insecure to super confident. She also had thoughts of worthlessness and suicide, along with bouts of creativity.
Danielle was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, just like me. We both experience highs and lows that affect our everyday living, as do others with bipolar disorder.
Who does Bipolar affect?
The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance reports the following:
- 5.7 million adults, or 2.6%, have bipolar disorder.
- Bipolar disorder can be diagnosed as early as childhood or as late as the 40’s or 50’s.
- Most people are diagnosed around the age of 25.
- Bipolar disorder affects all types of people. It does not discriminate between men and women, age, race, ethnic group, or social class.
- Heredity can have an effect. Two-thirds of those diagnosed have relatives with bipolar disorder.
How are children affected?
If bipolar disorder affects Danielle and me so severely, how does it affect the children of the 5.7 million adult Americans struggling with this?
The results of one study show that families who struggle with bipolar disorder report lower levels of family cohesion, expressiveness, and higher levels of conflict compared to families that don’t struggle with bipolar.
Another study suggests that children are at an increased risk for developing mood and other disorders when their parent is bipolar.
Therefore, children of bipolar parents are more likely to develop mood disorders as compared to children without bipolar parents. This is not only because bipolar can be hereditary but also because the home can be less stable, causing anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses. The family life of those with bipolar disorder has less family cohesion. When a parent withdraws or is distant because of their mental illness, it can leave the family feeling less of a unit and more like individuals trying to survive. Families with bipolar parents are known to have a distressed family environment. The children and spouse of a parent with bipolar can feel troubled at home.
The studies show that life with a bipolar parent present unique and difficult challenges.
What happened to Harrison?
Harrison grew up with me not always being emotionally stable. I slept a lot, cried a lot, was creative and energetic at times, and irritable at times. I did my best to hide the hard parts and explain the visible parts.
So how is he now? Harrison is nineteen and away at college. He texts me every day. “Hi, Mom. How are you?” He is happy, well-adjusted, kind, caring, compassionate, and empathetic. Harrison wants to be a counselor.
Was Harrison affected by me as a bipolar mother? Of course, but despite the unique challenges we faced as a family, he has learned how to handle those challenges and become better from them. He let me rest when I needed rest and asked if I was ok. He offered hugs when my eyes were red from crying. He was not responsible for caring for me, but he was kind and gentle. He learned to listen to his friends. They call him when they are struggling. He offers his friends support and asks me to pray for them. The effects of having a bipolar mom not only shaped the course of Harrison’s life but put it on a trajectory to help others. Not every child will have the same outcome and that’s okay! Every child has a different personality and experience in life. Though they will face many challenges there are things that can be done to help them as they navigate life with a bipolar parent.
What you can do as a bipolar parent
If you are a parent and have bipolar disorder, there are steps you can take to help yourself and your family.
- Take your medication and get psychiatric help. Don’t skip the pills or miss your appointments. Your mind and body need consistency.
- Take care of your body. Eat regular meals, get a good night’s rest, drink plenty of water, and get your body moving.
- Be honest and open with your children. Explain how you feel and what you are going through in an age-appropriate way. Sometimes, simply saying, “I’m feeling sad today,” can help ease a child’s mind.
- Be gentle with yourself and show yourself grace. Don’t beat yourself up. You can do this.
Can life be hard for a child with a bipolar parent? Of course! But it doesn’t have to be grim. No family will look like mine, and everyone will learn how to manage bipolar disorder in different ways. But there is hope. Look at Harrison.
My name is Kendra Cuzick. I am studying marriage and family at BYU-Idaho. I teach preschool and write children’s books. I advocate for mental health by writing a weekly blog called, “How Are You Monday”. Supporting others with their mental health is important to me as I can personally empathize with them because of my own mental health struggles. I live in Phoenix, Arizona, with my husband and five children
by Tim Rarick | Oct 8, 2015 | Marriage, Parenting
“Ellie is 2-years-old and should be speaking in short sentences now. I’m starting to worry that she might have a speech impediment.”
“Parker is 10! He shouldn’t be crying when things don’t go his way. I don’t see other boys his age crying when their upset. What’s the matter with him?”
“Jon has many great qualities, but I’m tired of always being the one to take the lead. We’ve been married 19 years now, and he never seems to change! Now he has lost his job; I don’t think I can take this much longer.”
Each of the previous statements come from actual conversations I have had with individuals (names have been changed) in the recent past. I was struck by a theme that emerged from these conversations: frustration often stems from unmet expectations. This is especially true in family life where both frustration and expectations can abound.
Regardless of the stage of your family, you probably expect great things from your loved ones.
And why shouldn’t you?
All children—and people for that matter—have untapped potential. Yes, this also applies to spouses who may seem to be set in their ways, incapable of changing to meet our expectations. Perhaps most importantly, we need to apply this idea of untapped potential to the goals we have for ourselves.
When unmet expectations arise or persist, it seems almost natural to become frustrated—perhaps even deeply depressed. Keep in mind, that most of us view life through a pretty foggy lens. There is great power and peace that can come from keeping our expectations (and frustration) in proper perspective. I offer three research-based principles:
1. Reflect Regularly and Measure Accurately
In research I have conducted with college-age students, I have found that although most 18- to 25-year-olds can explain their long-term goals, their day-to-day behaviors often have very little connection to their aspirations. Unfortunately, this disconnect between daily actions and goals isn’t just a problem for college students; it can also be a problem for husbands, wives, and parents.
Why is this, you ask?
Part of the answer lies in a lack of consistent reflection and evaluation of how we’re doing at meeting our goals. For example, how often have you reflected on whether bribing or threatening your child when he pitches a fit in the grocery store is consistent with your goal for him to learn self-control?
While reflecting is important, we also must use an accurate yardstick to measure our progress. I believe this is another reason why there can exist a mismatch between our everyday actions and our goals or expectations. Quick behavior-modification strategies—such as rewards and punishments—usually work in the present but rarely in the long run. And most of the long-term goals we have in our families pertain to character, not simply behavior!
One parenting guru summarized it this way:
The good news is that when parents do manage to keep their broader objectives in view—indeed, when they focus on anything more than just getting their kids [or spouse] to obey—they tend to use better [skills in their family relationships] and they get better results.
2. Change How You See First
This principle has transformed me as a husband and father. I believe that every family has at least one—if not multiple—children that are tailor-made to test your every weakness. In other words, your child (weaknesses and all) will maximize growth out of both of you. But seeing this requires changing your sight. When frustration mounts and you can only see someone’s weaknesses, you have become blinded.
Eventually we may create a vicious cycle with our loved ones. Allow me to illustrate:
You’ve spoken to your wife about her social media addiction for the umpteenth time, and tonight she spends more time on her phone than talking to you. This only gives you more fuel to see her as flawed and incapable of changing. You then give her the “silent treatment” to teach her a lesson, which only drives a bigger wedge between the two of you. Your wife, feeling rejected, continues to live down to your expectations by using more social media to self-medicate. Then despair sets in . . . for the both of you.
If we want to overcome our frustration, we must see people beyond their actions. Behavior doesn’t define us, our kids, or our spouse. So stop relying on external indicators to define who they are!
3. You’re Not Done Yet, and Neither are They
A mother recently told me that she worried her son would become a “gamer” even though she and her husband regulated her 12-year-old son’s video game playing time. Her fear is a valid one, and I wish more parents were concerned about that problem. However, fear-based parenting doesn’t help us make rational or helpful decisions. Instead of letting our fears get the best of us, we can instead choose to see the potential in those around us. We can have hope for their future!
All people have unknown potential; however, we don’t reach it in a few weeks or even a few years! We progress, but the end product isn’t here yet. You, your spouse, and your children are not finished products. Everyone learns and develops at a different pace. As desperate as you are to see change in yourself or others, you can’t force or rush change — you can only guide it. A wise man once said stated:
We need to bear in mind that people can change. They can put behind them bad habits. We have the responsibility to look at our [family members] this way. Again, we have the responsibility to see individuals not as they are but rather as they can become. I would plead with you to think of them in this way.
Don’t give up hope if frustration and despair are mounting because of unmet expectations. Seeing your loved ones clearly takes reflection, patience, teaching, and love.
It is possible! Your family’s peace and happiness depend on it.
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