Tears of the Parent

by | Aug 12, 2024 | Guest Posts, Parenting

 The crying started when I was eight. It came and went as I grew, but mostly it came. As a new mother, all I wanted was to be happy.  But I wasn’t. My dreams of becoming a mother were fulfilled with the birth of my oldest child, Harrison. But the tears kept coming. Occasionally, I would have bouts of energy. Sometimes I didn’t need sleep. Other times, I slept all day. Years later, I learned I have bipolar disorder. The proper medications and psychiatry helped ease the crying. My emotions evened, and my energy levels became more consistent. I found I could mostly be happy. But what was the effect on my children?

Having Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), is a severe mental illness causing unusual mood shifts ranging from extreme highs known as “manic” episodes to extreme lows known as “depressive” episodes.

In the article, “This Is What It’s Like to Actually Live With Bipolar Disorder”, twenty-nine-year-old Danielle described being bipolar as having intense mood swings and extreme overreactions to everyday situations. Danielle would go from deeply insecure to super confident. She also had thoughts of worthlessness and suicide, along with bouts of creativity.

Danielle was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, just like me. We both experience highs and lows that affect our everyday living, as do others with bipolar disorder.

Who does Bipolar affect?

The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance reports the following:

  • 5.7 million adults, or 2.6%, have bipolar disorder.
  • Bipolar disorder can be diagnosed as early as childhood or as late as the 40’s or 50’s.
  • Most people are diagnosed around the age of 25.
  • Bipolar disorder affects all types of people. It does not discriminate between men and women, age, race, ethnic group, or social class.
  • Heredity can have an effect. Two-thirds of those diagnosed have relatives with bipolar disorder.

How are children affected?

If bipolar disorder affects Danielle and me so severely, how does it affect the children of the 5.7 million adult Americans struggling with this?

The results of one study show that families who struggle with bipolar disorder report lower levels of family cohesion, expressiveness, and higher levels of conflict compared to families that don’t struggle with bipolar.

Another study suggests that children are at an increased risk for developing mood and other disorders when their parent is bipolar.

Therefore, children of bipolar parents are more likely to develop mood disorders as compared to children without bipolar parents. This is not only because bipolar can be hereditary but also because the home can be less stable, causing anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses. The family life of those with bipolar disorder has less family cohesion. When a parent withdraws or is distant because of their mental illness, it can leave the family feeling less of a unit and more like individuals trying to survive. Families with bipolar parents are known to have a distressed family environment. The children and spouse of a parent with bipolar can feel troubled at home.

The studies show that life with a bipolar parent present unique and difficult challenges.

What happened to Harrison?

Harrison grew up with me not always being emotionally stable. I slept a lot, cried a lot, was creative and energetic at times, and irritable at times. I did my best to hide the hard parts and explain the visible parts.

So how is he now? Harrison is nineteen and away at college. He texts me every day. “Hi, Mom. How are you?” He is happy, well-adjusted, kind, caring, compassionate, and empathetic. Harrison wants to be a counselor.

Was Harrison affected by me as a bipolar mother? Of course, but despite the unique challenges we faced as a family, he has learned how to handle those challenges and become better from them. He let me rest when I needed rest and asked if I was ok. He offered hugs when my eyes were red from crying. He was not responsible for caring for me, but he was kind and gentle. He learned to listen to his friends. They call him when they are struggling. He offers his friends support and asks me to pray for them. The effects of having a bipolar mom not only shaped the course of Harrison’s life but put it on a trajectory to help others. Not every child will have the same outcome and that’s okay! Every child has a different personality and experience in life. Though they will face many challenges there are things that can be done to help them as they navigate life with a bipolar parent. 

What you can do as a bipolar parent

If you are a parent and have bipolar disorder, there are steps you can take to help yourself and your family.

  • Take your medication and get psychiatric help. Don’t skip the pills or miss your appointments. Your mind and body need consistency.
  • Take care of your body. Eat regular meals, get a good night’s rest, drink plenty of water, and get your body moving.
  • Be honest and open with your children. Explain how you feel and what you are going through in an age-appropriate way. Sometimes, simply saying, “I’m feeling sad today,” can help ease a child’s mind.
  • Be gentle with yourself and show yourself grace. Don’t beat yourself up. You can do this.

Can life be hard for a child with a bipolar parent? Of course! But it doesn’t have to be grim. No family will look like mine, and everyone will learn how to manage bipolar disorder in different ways. But there is hope. Look at Harrison.

My name is Kendra Cuzick. I am studying marriage and family at BYU-Idaho. I teach preschool and write children’s books. I advocate for mental health by writing a weekly blog called, “How Are You Monday”. Supporting others with their mental health is important to me as I can personally empathize with them because of my own mental health struggles. I live in Phoenix, Arizona, with my husband and five children

Of Heroes and Villains: The Impact of Screens on Today’s Youth

by | Mar 20, 2024 | Guest Posts, Parenting, Uncategorized

The Lost Boys

Todd and Lionel, ages 13 and 9, are brothers who spend most afternoons after school alone in their apartment. The boys are not allowed to go outside after school because their mother works, and she worries about their safety and the influence of the local children. So, after warming up their Hot Pockets, they play video games or watch movies to pass the time. Their recreational screen time (ST) consumption averages four or more hours a day, and the content is often fraught with violence and sexuality.

Todd used to love Spiderman and Batman, but that has morphed into an obsession with villains, especially The Joker, Pennywise, and Jason. He is socially awkward and has few friends. His conversations usually revolve around his favorite video games and horror movies. He has little interest in physical activity and doesn’t like school.

Lionel enjoys sports but can’t play because of his mother’s work schedule and a lack of money. He is fascinated with Anime characters such as Naruto and Pokémon. Not surprisingly, he is also lagging behind his peers academically. He appears sad and has become more withdrawn even from family.

What’s the Big Deal?

Todd and Lionel are not unique in their attraction to, and time spent, playing video games, and watching digital movies. They are among millions of children in the U.S. and worldwide who are impacted by the overuse of screens. In 2021 children between the ages of 8-12 (tweens) spent an average of 5 hours and 33 minutes on their screens.  Those between the ages of 13-18 (teens) spent an average of 8 hours and 39 minutes on theirs. This statistic does not include school time use. The majority of their recreational ST is spent watching online videos, playing video games, and using social media. Boys spend an hour a day more than girls on daily ST. They play more video games than girls who use social media more. Both genders spend about equal time watching videos, especially on YouTube.

Children today certainly have a different lifestyle than those who grew up pre-video/internet era. Everything from food to entertainment these days is ready-made, and gratification is instantaneous. Kids are easily bored because the high pace and repetitive nature of video games create overstimulation, which are designed to be addictive. Screen-free, imaginative, physical play is foreign to them.

Children’s social interactions are limited at best, and they are not making real connections with real people. More youth are hanging out virtually through texting, video chats, gaming, or watching movies together. This equates to not learning communication or social skills, or developing emotional resilience. They have less ability to deal with stress, boredom, and adversity, so loneliness, poor self-esteem, and anxiety result.

There is a well-documented link between excessive screen time and depression. Why? Firstly, physical activity, which is essential for good mental and physical health, has been substantially reduced by excessive ST. The CDC recommends that children 6-17 years be physically active for at least 60 minutes every day. Fewer children walk to and from school, and recess has been reduced in thousands of elementary schools, so unless a child regularly engages in team sports or dance, or can play with other neighborhood children, they become sedentary, reliant on screens to entertain them.

Depression is the leading cause of disability and poor health among children and teens. Overuse of ST rose during the COVID-19 pandemic (2019-2021) as did incidences of depression and anxiety. This statistic has not changed much since then. Depressive tendencies often carry over into adulthood and affect the quality of life and ability to thrive.

Secondly, excessive ST interferes with proper sleep, and the combination of insufficient physical activity and poor sleep hygiene is linked to depression. This often leads to poor academicperformance. This is particularly problematic during adolescence because when teens aren’t engaged in school, don’t do well, or feel overwhelmed by the workload, anxiety increases, and self-esteem diminishes. The worse they feel, the more they turn to ST, intensifying their depressive symptoms. It’s a villainous cycle.

Children can suffer cognitive and emotional impairment with early and/or excessive ST. They are not learning problem-solving skills, emotional regulation, and critical thinking, which are essential academic and life skills. These kids stand a higher chance of school burnout, leading to higher dropout rates. Low educational achievement reduces employment opportunities, leading to eventual poverty.

Technology is essential in this day and age. There are a multitude of advantages, including the convenience of communication and educational experiences that encourage attentional abilities, improve memory, and allow access to unique learning opportunities. The educational use of ST is not the primary issue here; it’s the recreational overuse of it that is harmful.

It Takes a H.E.R.O.

H: 2 Hours

Todd and Lionel, and the millions of other children in this world need their parents and caregivers to step up to be their protectors, their heroes. The first thing that needs to be done is to monitor how much time children are spending on their screens. The recommendation for recreational ST is between one and two hours daily.

E: Educate

Being educated about how to use ST to the best advantage of children will prevent a myriad of potential ills. RAISE is a free app that helps families reclaim their role as protectors of their children. Be informed about the content of what children are watching, playing, and browsing. Know how to use filters and other parental controls and talk to children about “why” they are necessary.

R: Relationships

The best replacement for screens is parental relationships. Spending more quality screen-free time with children, talking, and playing with them, will improve the relationships within families and communities. Be patient; this is a process that will take some time for them to get used to.

O: Observe

Hypocrisy is a powerful villain. Observe your own behavior. Set the example you want children to follow. Pay attention to changes in children’s moods, their interests, and who they are spending time with, and act when needed. Be the hero they need.

Shellie Ehlert is a senior at Brigham Young University-Idaho in the Department of Home & Family Studies.  She is passionate about strengthening families through education. She believes in Maya Angelou’s adage that we do our best until we know better, and when we know better, we do better. Shellie’s greatest accomplishment has been her education, and her greatest joy is her husband, Jack, and their large, blended family of 9 children and 13 grandchildren. She enjoys running, studying foreign languages, and indulging in her monthly McDouble from McDonald’s.

Are You Feeling like the Black Sheep Too?

by | Mar 11, 2024 | Guest Posts

Have you ever felt that you did not belong?  Maybe you feel a little different than those around you?  It’s like an internal battle that creates a feeling of being the “black sheep” or the “outcast.” I have seen this happen in my family and have experienced it in my own life.  

First, my younger sister.  Thanks to relentless allergies and a struggle with depression at a young age, she felt miserable and seemed to take it out on all of us.  Our family could not go anywhere without her having a meltdown or throwing a fit.  Her behavior was used as an excuse anytime our family missed out on fun experiences or memory-making moments.  There was a lot of frustration, anger, and stress with my parents that spread into our family and my sister seemed to be at the center of it.  She was like the “black sheep.”

This role of the “black sheep”, or the “outcast,” is labeled as the identified patient.  The identified patient seems to take the brunt of the family’s problems and/or gets blamed for every negative thing.  By having an identified patient in the family, it is often easier to hide root issues that are not resolved in the family’s system.  It is a bit like playing the blame game.  If there is someone to blame for the discontent, then the deeper struggles can be pushed aside.  In my sister’s case, her behavior gave the perfect space for blame when it was needed in our family.  

Second, my personal struggles.  As my siblings and I grew, I began to struggle with anxiety which was not easily understood.   As I started a family of my own, anxiety and depression reared its ugly head.  I was faced with an emotional battle that I did not know how to handle on my own.  It was hard enough that my husband did not know how to help, but it was worse when I felt I could not rely on my family of origin for comfort or support.  

Everyone said to “get over it” or “let it go.”  As an adult, my parents and siblings would often try to talk me into doing recreational things with them because “it would help me.”  When I would say “no,” ridicule would often follow, or plans would change, and I would feel blamed. Sometimes I felt as if I was being treated as a sick patient, which often left me with a victim mentality or a feeling of being helpless.  In any case, I would find myself feeling worse mentally and emotionally simply because I was misunderstood and I felt I had taken on the role as the “outcast.”

Finding Space for Blame

According to Marriage and Family Therapist and Relational Trauma Recovery Specialist, Annie Wright, an identified patient is one that emerges from a negative family lifestyle.  This can be an abusive, dysfunctional, or chaotic family with adversity in the early childhood of the “patient.”  Anytime that a family is not able to tolerate or handle stressful situations, an identified patient can, and possibly will, emerge.  Instead of working on the root problems within the family, it is often easier to find an imagined source of contention and place the blame on him or her, resulting in the “real problem” being ignored and dysfunction being disguised.  

A Rise in Anxiety

How does this affect us today?  According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), 3.6%, or 264 million people worldwide struggle with anxiety.  In the United States alone, the prevalence of anxiety in adults is 19.1%, and in teenagers, ranging in age from 13 to 18 years old, about 32%.  

So, imagine this is you.  You are striving each day to make it the best day despite feeling overworked, providing for a family, the loss of a job, health issues, parenting, relationship issues, the never-ending list of household chores, etc.  Every now and then, you experience anxiety because of the heavy load that you carry.  For a teen or a child, the reasons for developing anxiety are different.  The National Education Association explored some of these reasons and found the pressure to fit in, to achieve, and from social media were at the top of the list.  In addition, not feeling safe at school has also become a fear.

Now imagine turning to family or loved ones and feeling neglect rather than support.  How would you handle that situation?  How would you find your “safe space?”  Unfortunately, for some, that “safe space” comes in the form of consistent worry and anxiety and a feeling of looming loneliness while living each day.  

Annie Wright claims that when the family system is not able to tolerate the growing stressors around them, family members take care of themselves by outsourcing or dumping their feelings onto one individual leaving this member of the family feeling worn down and anxious. Often teens and children make themselves the identified patient by keeping their personal stressors tucked inside.  Without adequate support to work through the negative feelings or thoughts, a generalized anxiety disorder or some form of mental illness may begin to develop.

Finding Relief and Support

Anxiety is on the rise for many.  We could all do better to help lift, support, and love one another regardless of our struggles so that we can all maintain a level of safety and peace within ourselves. Dr. Terry Warner taught, “Seeing other people as the problem, is the problem.” Instead of pointing out the “black sheep” or labeling others as an “anxious person,” we should help one another to heal through a higher level of compassion and support.    We have the power to create change by recognizing our need to advocate for one another and erasing the idea of the identified patient.  

The Jefferson Center offers some insight to help families better understand one another.  They suggest staying calm, being an active listener, respecting differing opinions, considering the bigger picture, and creating safe boundaries.  These useful tips can be used in any situation especially with anxiety.  

Ways to help lessen anxiety in yourself or someone you love include meditation, yoga, rest, exercise, journaling, and therapy.  When support from loved ones seems too far distant, finding those that have your best interest at heart is vital.  Anxiety can be a lonely battle, especially if others try to label you as the identified patient, but with the right tools, you can become empowered and grow through the struggle.  

 

My name is Heather Larsen. I am married and have two kids.  My family is my world!  I am graduating from BYU-Idaho in July 2024 with plans to attend grad school to study mental health and well-being.  I am a family life coach working toward becoming board-certified.  I have truly enjoyed working in the coaching field and walking with people along their journeys.  After enduring my own personal struggle, I have developed love and gratitude for anxiety.  I am committed to learning about, sharing with, advocating for, and supporting those who have a similar struggle.

Teasing or Sibling Abuse?

by | Aug 2, 2023 | Guest Posts, home

Sadie’s Story

Laying in the cold sheets of her bed as the tears dried on her face, Sadie wondered why they hated her. What had she done to them to have them hate her so much? Maybe if she was prettier and smarter like her older sister, or if she was blonde and had blue eyes like her younger sisters, they would love her more. She wondered if she was really adopted, more like hoped she was, and her birth parents would one day come and rescue her. Anxiety filled her mind and body just thinking about tomorrow. She knew she would soon have to face them all again, and it would start all over.

​As morning came, she rolled herself out of bed. She listened at the door to make sure no one was coming down the hall. The sound of her parents talking, and her baby brother crying was all she heard. She opened her door slightly and peeked out. The hallway was clear to the bathroom, so she hurried across the hall and locked the bathroom door behind her. A quick shower was all she needed. As she turned on the water she heard a bang on the door, “Hurry up moron you have been in there all morning, it’s my turn.” She hurried out and as she passed an older sibling in the hall, she felt a hand on her head and then her face smack against the wall. “Watch where you’re going, idiot.” This was just the beginning of her morning and knew this wasn’t the worst of it. Sadie suffered each day with a constant battle for survival in her own home. Her siblings called her names, spit in her drinks when she wasn’t looking, made fun of her crooked teeth, and much more. Sadie wasn’t the only sibling to experience abuse happening in the family. 

During the day she had some relief from the hate at home. She had a few friends but mostly kept to herself. She didn’t talk much because she was afraid of what her peers would say about her. Her teachers would often comment about how she was so quiet and never spoke up in class. But even the attention of her teacher asking her this filled her with anxiety. She was not used to having an adult talk to her in a calm manner. But this was still easy compared to what she faced at home.

Teasing or Sibling Abuse?

​If this story is starting to sound like you have heard this before, then you may have come from a larger family or know someone who has. Although sibling abuse occurs most frequently in large families, it can still occur in any family, no matter how small or large. Some would say this behavior is just normal sibling behavior. That they are just playing and teasing each other. But how far does just teasing have to go to be considered abuse?

Overlooking this abuse can be detrimental to a child’s self-confidence and mental health. Children who suffer from sibling abuse are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, panic attacks, low self-esteem, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and suicide. They are at higher risk of facing other types of abuse in their life including domestic violence, dating violence, and intimate partner violence. If this abuse was happening to Sadie at school, there would be interventions to help stop this abuse. We have programs for domestic violence, child abuse, and bullying at school, but when it comes from a sibling it is considered harmless.

Research suggests that parents have a hard time determining what is abuse and what should be considered harmful teasing. In non-sexual sibling abuse, the abuse is more likely to be emotional and, in some cases, physical. In Sadie’s case, she was experiencing emotional and physical abuse. Her parents tried to stop the fighting but just couldn’t keep up. They never thought it could cause so many adverse effects for their children that they would carry with them through their lives. 40 % of American children have participated in physical sibling abuse, and 85 % participated in psychological abuse.

What Can I Do?

How can we help children like Sadie? Watch for signs, in Sadie’s case, the signs were: being quiet, keeping to herself, and being nervous to talk to others. Report to the authorities if you suspect something could be happening at home. Even if they do not find anything at least this allows the parents to reflect on their child’s well-being. Parents, watch how your children interact with each other, if there is name calling, hitting or other physical or mental abuse put a stop to it. Teach your children about respect and what to do if someone is mistreating them. And finally, by sharing the knowledge that sibling abuse is real we can help more children like Sadie to escape the trauma and anxiety of being afraid in their own home.

Fortunately, Sadie did get help, from her guidance counselor at school. Sadie and her family were able to get the family counseling they needed. She is currently working as a family therapist and advocating for children who are experiencing any form of abuse.

My name is Mindy Ash, I am from West Mountain, Utah. I have lived in Utah all of my life and love living here. I am married with three children. I have a son-in-law, a new grandbaby, and a soon-to-be daughter-in-law. I am currently working towards my bachelor’s degree in marriage, family, and human relations at Brigham Young University- Idaho through the pathways program. I will then work towards my master’s degree in family and marriage therapy. My plan is to help others who have struggled with a spouse or family member struggling with addiction.

Cohabitation: A Step in the Wrong Direction?

by | Jul 25, 2023 | Marriage

Living together sounds like a good idea, but what happens when the relationship ends? Terminating any partnership is hard, but doing so while living with someone becomes a complicated mess because your lives are intertwined. My friend Tammy moved in with her high school sweetheart shortly after graduating. Within a few years, they had two children together but never got married. Unfortunately, her partner became involved with another woman, and their cohabiting relationship came to an end. In addition to experiencing pain over the dissolution of the relationship, this created a ripple effect. Both my friend and her ex had to find a new place to live as neither could afford the rent on their own. This also meant that their children had to split their time between two homes, creating significant life changes and instability.

Unfortunately, her story is not unique. Cohabitation among couples has been on the rise. More couples are choosing to live together as a “trial run” before making a commitment to get married. As of 2018, 9% of adults ages 18 to 24, and 15% of adults ages 25 to 34 are living with a partner to whom they are not married. Since 2008, the number of cohabiting couples has risen by 12%. This is a common problem worldwide, as demonstrated by the 16% increase in cohabiting couples in the United Kingdom, from 2012 to 2022.

While many believe that cohabiting is a good way to try out the relationship to see if they should get married in the future, studies have found this may not be the case. They discovered a variety of negative impacts created by cohabitation. They found that cohabiting relationships tend to be less stable, have more conflict, have higher risks of child abuse, and are usually shorter in duration compared to marriage relationships. Additionally, individuals who are cohabiting tend to experience less satisfaction and trust in their relationship than those who are married, with 41% of cohabiting adults compared to 58% of married adults.

When a cohabiting relationship ends and children are involved, the negative impacts are even greater. One study found that children with cohabiting parents had an increased likelihood of experiencing parental breakup, which led to greater levels of externalizing behaviors, such as increased aggression and difficulty establishing and maintaining relationships. Cohabitation may create increased feelings of emotional instability for children. Another study found that adults in cohabiting relationships are more likely to engage in sexual activities with partners outside of their relationship. This increases the chances that the cohabiting relationship will dissolve as it produces a decrease in trust and satisfaction. Having unmarried, cohabiting parents can make children anxious about the future and unsure about their feelings.

If the results of cohabiting are typically negative, why are individuals still entering into this kind of relationship? One reason could be the fact that young adults now view marriage as a capstone event. It is something you do after you obtain an education and find a fulfilling career. This viewpoint could be the reason why fewer people are getting married and more are living together. Marriage is seen as less important compared to past generations. This viewpoint could turn cohabitation into a societal norm. Another reason could be a lack of knowledge. Perhaps individuals are unaware of the negative data connected to cohabitation. For example, statistics show that men and women in cohabiting relationships who have a child while in their 20s are three times more likely to end the relationship before their child turns 5 years old.

Whether or not you personally know someone in a cohabiting relationship, everyone in society is impacted in some way by these relationships. Children who experience a parental breakup are likely to experience a variety of adverse effects, such as behavioral issues, which then impact their school work, fellow students, and teachers. This could even lead to delinquent behaviors and criminal activity. Mothers in cohabiting relationships are likely to experience lower levels of relational satisfaction. This can cause stress which could spill over into other areas of their lives and negatively impact their parenting practices, which then affect their children. What happens during and after cohabiting relationships produces a ripple effect, adversely impacting individuals and societies, including you and me.

So, what can we do to combat this issue and reduce these negative impacts? A good place to start would be to educate ourselves on the negative effects of cohabitation. This could be done by gaining information from credible sources online, including this blog and other websites such as Marripedia. When people gain knowledge regarding cohabitation, they will be better able to make informed decisions. Another way is to share what you have learned regarding cohabitation with others. Even if you do not plan to cohabitate, having information on this topic is valuable to those you know. If they ever come to you seeking advice on this subject, you can share what you have learned regarding the negative impacts of cohabitation. Lastly, you can speak out and advocate for families and children by creating a support group on social media. This is a simple way to help others stay up to date on current information that can be quickly accessed and shared with a large audience. What will you do to protect families and children from experiencing these adverse effects?

My name is Shawna Trimmell and I am a Senior at Brigham Young University, Idaho. I will graduate next April with a bachelor’s degree in Marriage and Family Studies. I will also earn a certification as a family life educator. My husband Michael and I have been married for almost 19 years during which I’ve been blessed to be a stay-at-home mother to our four amazing children. I’m passionate about marriage and families and plan to pursue a career educating others on the significant impact they have on individuals and society.