This article is part 2 in a 3-part series on punishment.
Punishing and threatening my children is my go-to method. What do I do instead?!
I have no idea.
Kidding!
One parenting expert responds to this question by saying: “What’s the alternative? Such a question is more complicated than it seems because there isn’t one particular practice that serves as a replacement for punishments and rewards.”
What I will be suggesting is the creation of an entirely different view of the parent-child relationship. The “alternative,” in other words, doesn’t consist of specific techniques; it consists of a new lens and truth-based principles.
Keep in mind that there is no quick and easy answer to this. (This really needs to be in a book form rather than an article.) In our buy-now-pay-later world, it’s easy to want happy, obedient children — and to want them now.
However tempting it is, our child won’t be helped by quick, behavior-focused solutions. In my first blog post, Parenting isn’t Rocket Science…it’s Harder! I warned against this quick-fix approach to parenting. Most punishment is like a credit card — get the behavior now and pay later with interest.
Our Discipline Motives
So what is it that motivates us to threaten, punish, and otherwise coerce our kids? Often, we want to fix behavior so we can feel like successful parents. We let those behavioral indicators impact how we feel about ourselves and our children, even when those indicators aren’t the healthiest and most accurate measuring tool.
With threats, bribes, and punishments, we can almost force the indicator for how I’m doing as a parent–my child’s behavior–even though what we really hope for is deep, abiding character in our kids. When a child is compelled to start or stop doing certain behaviors–whether through withdrawing privileges or bribing–it is the parents that are rewarded for such methods. We get the desired action. You might say we get the evidence that tells us we’re doing okay as a parent.
But if we want to really help our kids, not just fix their behaviors, we may need to re-examine our discipline practices.
“Stop Whacking the Table!”
I mentioned in part 1 of this article that we often think that punishment is a form of teaching; we hope our children learn the lesson loud (sometimes literally) and clear. Yet too often, our punishments are corrective actions, not teaching moments. While the following story won’t show any dramatic crimes or mistakes (you can watch Supernanny for that), I hope it provides a backdrop to illustrate several principles or lessons about teaching.
Recently I was playing ping-pong in our basement with two of my daughters, Eleanor (age 4) and Naomi (age 7). (If you’ve guessed that I spent more time picking up balls off the floor rather than hitting them, you’d be right.) Naomi was on one side of table and Eleanor and I were on the other. I can serve balls right to Naomi’s sweet spot so she will often hit two or three balls in a row. With Eleanor, I have to drop a ball right in front of her and she waves her paddle around until she makes contact with the ball . . . sometimes with the backside of her paddle.
I noticed that Eleanor’s first attempt was to swing down at the ball and then whack the table on her follow through. So naturally, for the sake of the table and the paddle, I told her to stop doing that.
Pause the story!
Whenever possible, ask and invite rather than tell or command. Following this principle will show more respect for your children and acknowledge their ability to choose. So instead, I should have asked: “Eleanor, could you stop hitting the table?”
Okay. On with the show.
The next two attempts from Eleanor produced the same result. She actually hit the ball, but again the paddle came down on the table. So I thought that if I made it clearer, she would stop.
“Please don’t hit the table. Try it like this.” I swung my paddle from my side showing how to hit a forehand.
Pause again!
Telling and lecturing is not teaching. Many parents complain that they tell their kids what to do but still can’t get the desired behavior. They conclude that talking is ineffective. That is like saying “I type and I type and I can’t still can’t produce a good novel. Obviously typing is ineffective!” I think you get the point.
But there are more principles on the way.
Am I keeping her age and level of understanding in mind if I just repeat myself over and over? Do I really think that repeating something often while increasing in volume will really create a master ping-pong player? No. But this sort of “teaching” happens way too often.
It could be easy to assume that Eleanor is just being stubborn or obstinate.
In reality, her actions can indicate a lack of understanding, which means I need to learn to teach more effectively.
Back to ping-pong.
After demonstrating (modeling is key, but not enough) how to swing the paddle I noticed she was really trying, but struggled to hit the ball. Even though she had more success making contact with the ball swinging down, she still tried to do it the way daddy was doing it.
I decided to be more involved in the teaching moment and stood behind her. Then I put my hand over her hand that was holding the paddle, and as balls came our way we swung together. I also had fun with it so every time she hit the ball–with my help–I lifted her arm in the air and made a strange victory growl.
Interestingly, but not surprisingly, the bond between us increased and Eleanor started understanding what it felt like to swing the paddle correctly. I let her practice on her own and I saw improvement, but more importantly I saw her confidence grow in her ability to learn and my ability to teach.
You may think that this is a silly story that doesn’t help you know what to do with your teen who has defied you for the umpteenth time; or that hitting the ping-pong table with a paddle is not a big deal (which it isn’t). If this is the case, then perhaps you are missing point–the bigger picture. Learning to control emotions is more difficult than learning to hit a ball. No punishment ever taught emotional regulation.
But for now, the moral of the story is that we may need to adjust the way we view our child’s misbehavior. Are we really helping them understand how to handle things appropriately? Or are we just telling them to not hit the ball instead of the table?
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Tim’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Rob), please also check out the rest of our blog and our Facebook page.
This article is part 1 in a 3-part series on punishment.
“So you don’t believe in disciplining your children?”
I’ve heard this from many friends, students, and neighbors when I tell them that punishment usually doesn’t work in the way most parents think.
This question is also assuming that discipline and punishment are the same thing. They are not. Punishment is a form of discipline. Just like all apples are fruit, not all fruit are apples.
“So you just let your kids do whatever they want?”
Yet another common question from doubting parents when I share the research on punishment. The assumption is that there are only two parenting philosophies: punitive or permissive. This is what we might call a false dichotomy.
“How can you have any order in your home without rules?”
Come on people! All I’m saying is that punishment is usually ineffective in producing what we really want in our children: character. Minimizing the frequency, the intensity, and the duration of your punishments doesn’t mean there are not rules, standards, and expectations in your home. Parenting expert Alfie Kohn explains that kids need structure, but they don’t need to be controlled.
“But don’t your children have to learn consequences? How are you going to prepare them for the real world?”
Again, a sincere question but also coming from a false premise. The premise is that punishing children will teach them about right and wrong when in reality, it often teaches them about power and self-interest. More on this in a moment.
I recently watched a video on Facebook of a boy who had to hold up his school books over his head for an incredibly long time because he disrespected his teacher. His mother made him repeat phrases such as: “I won’t disrespect my teacher.” “I love school.” “I don’t want to be homeless.” The entire time he was sobbing due to the pain in his arms. (And probably because of the soulless way in which his parents found amusement in their creative torture).
The false premise: The way you teach respect in the “real world” is to cause them pain and discomfort until they act respectful.
I purposefully emphasized the word act because punishment typically is great at temporarily fixing behavior. Children learn to simply perform the desired act so they won’t get in trouble again. But hearts haven’t changed. Morals weren’t internalized. Character wasn’t built.
Perhaps you think that this mother’s punishment is a great idea because it is related to the “crime.” One might even call it a logical consequence. After all, he mentioned his teacher and he was holding his textbooks above his head.
But in the “real world,” no one will require you to hold your spouse’s purse or wallet over your head when you say something you didn’t mean in a weak moment. You won’t have to hold your children’s bin of toys above your head when you let your stress get the better of you. And I doubt that chanting “I love my job” over and over when you’ve offended your McDonald’s coworker will get you pumped for your next shift.
What world are we raising our children on?
Ok. Maybe you think that this punishment was extreme. Maybe you think that putting your toddler or preschooler in time-out when they fight is a much more humane punishment. While it probably is more humane, it still doesn’t work . . . at least in the ways that matter.
The common assumption is that taking away a privilege will develop children who don’t fight with their siblings, or that grounding your teen will get him to become responsible. We parents may even attribute our good traits or character to the punishments we received growing up. For more on how your own upbringing gets in the way of how you see things read: Did You Really Turn Out OK?
Teachers and parents assume that clever consequences will change their child for the better and teach the intended lesson. Research and life experience tells us that this is simply not true. If what we really hope for is the formation of morals (a knowledge of right and wrong) and character (the part of us that dictates our desires, thoughts, and actions) then we need to discipline in ways that are consistent with our long term goals for our children.
If you are appropriately skeptical, let me share just a small snapshot from the research. One study found that “punishment is ineffectual over the long term as a technique for eliminating the kind of behavior toward which it is directed.”
Another study concluded that “parents who punish rule-breaking behavior in their children at home often have children who demonstrate higher levels of rule-breaking when away from home.”
Rather than asking: “What is right?” or “What kind of person I do I want to become?” or “How does ________ feel when I act this way?” Punishment typically leads children to ask:
“What do they want me to do, and what happensto me if I don’t do it?”
This creates self-interest rather than fostering a sense of morality.
“Hey, punishment works!”
Dr. Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline, cautioned us to “beware of what works.” It may work in the moment but with hidden costs. Dr. Nelson then shared the common long term consequences of the consistent use of punishment:
Resentment:“This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.”
Revenge:“They are winning now, but I’ll get even.”
Rebellion:“I’ll do just the opposite to prove I don’t have to do it their way.”
Retreat:
Sneakiness — “I won’t get caught next time.”
Reduced self-esteem — “I am a bad person.”
If punishment is your go-to method when your children misbehave, it doesn’t make you evil or a poor parent. It simply means that there is more learning and growing for us parents.
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Tim’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Rob), please also check out the rest of our blog and our Facebook page.
“Ellie is 2-years-old and should be speaking in short sentences now. I’m starting to worry that she might have a speech impediment.”
“Parker is 10! He shouldn’t be crying when things don’t go his way. I don’t see other boys his age crying when their upset. What’s the matter with him?”
“Jon has many great qualities, but I’m tired of always being the one to take the lead. We’ve been married 19 years now, and he never seems to change! Now he has lost his job; I don’t think I can take this much longer.”
Each of the previous statements come from actual conversations I have had with individuals (names have been changed) in the recent past. I was struck by a theme that emerged from these conversations: frustration often stems from unmet expectations. This is especially true in family life where both frustration and expectations can abound.
Regardless of the stage of your family, you probably expect great things from your loved ones.
And why shouldn’t you?
All children—and people for that matter—have untapped potential. Yes, this also applies to spouses who may seem to be set in their ways, incapable of changing to meet our expectations. Perhaps most importantly, we need to apply this idea of untapped potential to the goals we have for ourselves.
When unmet expectations arise or persist, it seems almost natural to become frustrated—perhaps even deeply depressed. Keep in mind, that most of us view life through a pretty foggy lens. There is great power and peace that can come from keeping our expectations (and frustration) in proper perspective. I offer three research-based principles:
1. Reflect Regularly and Measure Accurately
In research I have conducted with college-age students, I have found that although most 18- to 25-year-olds can explain their long-term goals, their day-to-day behaviors often have very little connection to their aspirations. Unfortunately, this disconnect between daily actions and goals isn’t just a problem for college students; it can also be a problem for husbands, wives, and parents.
Why is this, you ask?
Part of the answer lies in a lack of consistent reflection and evaluation of how we’re doing at meeting our goals. For example, how often have you reflected on whether bribing or threatening your child when he pitches a fit in the grocery store is consistent with your goal for him to learn self-control?
While reflecting is important, we also must use an accurate yardstick to measure our progress. I believe this is another reason why there can exist a mismatch between our everyday actions and our goals or expectations. Quick behavior-modification strategies—such as rewards and punishments—usually work in the present but rarely in the long run. And most of the long-term goals we have in our families pertain to character, not simply behavior!
The good news is that when parents do manage to keep their broader objectives in view—indeed, when they focus on anything more than just getting their kids [or spouse] to obey—they tend to use better [skills in their family relationships] and they get better results.
2. Change How You See First
This principle has transformed me as a husband and father. I believe that every family has at least one—if not multiple—children that are tailor-made to test your every weakness. In other words, your child (weaknesses and all) will maximize growth out of both of you. But seeing this requires changing your sight. When frustration mounts and you can only see someone’s weaknesses, you have become blinded.
Eventually we may create a vicious cycle with our loved ones. Allow me to illustrate:
You’ve spoken to your wife about her social media addiction for the umpteenth time, and tonight she spends more time on her phone than talking to you. This only gives you more fuel to see her as flawed and incapable of changing. You then give her the “silent treatment” to teach her a lesson, which only drives a bigger wedge between the two of you. Your wife, feeling rejected, continues to live down to your expectations by using more social media to self-medicate. Then despair sets in . . . for the both of you.
If we want to overcome our frustration, we must see people beyond their actions. Behavior doesn’t define us, our kids, or our spouse. So stop relying on external indicators to define who they are!
3. You’re Not Done Yet, and Neither are They
A mother recently told me that she worried her son would become a “gamer” even though she and her husband regulated her 12-year-old son’s video game playing time. Her fear is a valid one, and I wish more parents were concerned about that problem. However, fear-based parenting doesn’t help us make rational or helpful decisions. Instead of letting our fears get the best of us, we can instead choose to see the potential in those around us. We can have hope for their future!
All people have unknown potential; however, we don’t reach it in a few weeks or even a few years! We progress, but the end product isn’t here yet. You, your spouse, and your children are not finished products. Everyone learns and develops at a different pace. As desperate as you are to see change in yourself or others, you can’t force or rush change — you can only guide it. A wise man once said stated:
We need to bear in mind that people can change. They can put behind them bad habits. We have the responsibility to look at our [family members] this way. Again, we have the responsibility to see individuals not as they are but rather as they can become. I would plead with you to think of them in this way.
Don’t give up hope if frustration and despair are mounting because of unmet expectations. Seeing your loved ones clearly takes reflection, patience, teaching, and love.
It is possible! Your family’s peace and happiness depend on it.
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Tim’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Rob), please also check out the rest of our blog and our Facebook page.
I don’t wish to offend, which is why I am starting with disclaimers. Don’t skip over them and then say “How dare he!” 🙂
Disclaimers
I went to graduate school to be a therapist, and after about a year and a half of studying marriage and family therapy I found something I enjoyed even more: teaching. So I am not a practicing therapist and don’t claim to be. (I do, however, study and teach about parenting and child development and have a Ph.D. in the field.)
Mental disorders are real — as real as the flu or a broken bone. Nothing in this article should be interpreted as dismissing the entire field of mental health. We as a society have made great strides in understanding and accepting mental health challenges…but there is still much to do.
Medication is a great blessing when it is not used to replace therapy and/or an individual’s ability to act for oneself.
My family of origin and my extended family is riddled with mental health challenges. I have had my own struggles with anxiety and although I have learned much from studying psychopathology, I have learned even more by my own experience.
Everybody’s a Therapist
All that being said, I worry that with all the strides we have made in recent years that we may have over-corrected out of a skid. We often over-diagnose and misdiagnose. If we have a few bad days in a row we may begin to wonder if we have clinical depression. If a child in our classroom is more boisterous and active than the others, we may assume ADHD.
When my son, Carter, was about 3 years old we had invited some friends over for dinner. After watching my son bounce off the walls and shout with jubilation (like many 3-year-old boys do), one our friends asked, “Does Carter have ADHD?”
I wanted to respond: “Yes! Yes he does. And so does every other 3-year-old who is compared to the energy and attention span of adults.”
But I simply attributed it to age and temperament and dropped it.
More recently I have spoken with other good friends who said they plan to take their son to a psychologist to have him examined for mental health problems. I was stunned. I know this child quite well and see very little evidence for their claims. Granted, I don’t live with this child day in and day out, but I have seen him in many different settings. I believe that they are trying to do what is best for the family as he is prone to anger outbursts at home. (But so is my 7-year-old, Naomi. Seriously. You should see when she loses it. She can turn into the Hulk.)
Stories such as those that I just mentioned are far too common. May I be so bold to say that often the problem is not the child but the perception of the child. The child may not have a clinical disorder but perhaps a personality that is different from yours or other children you’re accustomed to.
Medication as theonly Solution
To make matters worse, we not only over-diagnose at times, but we tend to use medication as the only solution. (Now I just opened a bigger can of worms, I know.) Consider what happened to Jacob in the first 6 minutes and 30 seconds of Frontline’s documentary: “The Medicated Child”
No wonder the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry has reported a 42% increase in the number of reported cases of ADHD since 2003. I have to wonder how Jacob’s life would have been different if his parents were given this type of therapy that might include effective parenting strategies and skill building that help them adapt their family dynamic to Jacob’s personality.
Unfortunately, Jacob’s story is the story of thousands of children who have personalities and temperaments that need tailored guidance and teaching.
Sir Ken Robinson gives a powerful example of what can happen if we go about this the right way. Here is a clip from his TED Talk below:
Please understand that mental health professionals and psychoactive drugs can and should be a blessing in the lives of those who need them. We should realize that the mind can get sick just like the body.
Even so, the quick and easy strategy for the mother and the therapist mentioned in the TED Talk would have been to medicate. Kudos to the therapist for seeing the girl’s movement for what it was–a gift. Maybe drugs alone are easier for professionals and their clients than the longer, more difficult process of other kinds of therapy and education. Surely insurance companies prefer the medicated approach. Or maybe it demands too much of us as teachers and parents to work harder to help meet a child’s needs.
So, if you are a parent concerned about your child’s behavior, please keep the following in mind:
Be Your Child’s Advocate
Get as much info about the child as you can. Does your child have this behavioral problem at school, with friends, and at home? If not, then perhaps it is the environment (home or school) that needs to adapt to the child’s needs. If a teacher tells you your son has ADHD, watch him in the classroom if possible. Is the teacher incredibly strict? Boring? Is your son different or similar to how he acts at home? Most classrooms are not conducive to a diversity of personalities and learning styles.
Not All Therapists are Created Equal
If you do take your child to a clinician, understand that they vary in quality and specialty. Meaning, you want to find someone who is trusted and has a broader vocabulary than only medication. It’s also okay to get a second and third opinion.
Build Skills
If your child needs or is currently using medication, be sure that both your family and the child are employing other approaches as well. Another question to ponder:
Do the side effects from the meds make things harder on my child than they were before the meds?
See Strength and Develop it
Dr. Robert Jergen tells of his own experience with ADHD. He decided to see it not as a weakness, but as a “super-ability” that he could learn to channel…and he did. Try to see the strengths that can come with your child’s unique personality.
So before you assume your energetic child needs medication, take a look at all the factors. How does he or she behave in various environments? Does your child have a unique temperament or personality to be catered to? While medical help can be needed at times, make sure you don’t take short-cuts with your child for a quick-fix. You’ll be glad you took the time, and so will your child!
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Tim’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Rob), please also check out the rest of our blog and our Facebook page.
Have I got a deal for YOU! What if I told you that I have something that could fix ALL of your child’s misbehavior with a simple solution—regardless of their age! And if you act now, I’ll throw in some ways to improve both you and your marriage!
I know what you’re thinking.
“How am I supposed to trust a guy who overuses exclamation points? This sounds like a pyramid scheme.”
Your skepticism at this point is understandable and healthy. (At one point in my life I was a door-to-door salesman and I can be very persuasive if needs be . . . even without exclamation points.)
Back to pyramid schemes. This offer to transform you and your family is indeed based in pyramids. But before your enthusiasm causes you to start sharing this article with every person you’ve ever known on Facebook, you might want to keep on reading just to be sure there isn’t a catch.
I know you are dying to hear about the pyramid and you’ve probably even skipped ahead because you can’t take it anymore. But first, a musical metaphor.
Same Ole’ Song & Dance
Since the early days of pop music many, many songs pretty much use the same four chords over and over. This trend holds true for country, rock and other genres as well. The songwriter simply has to change the lyrics, tempo, and dynamics enough and BAM! You’ve got yourself a new song…sort of. A very simple example of this is found in singing the “ABC song” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.” Not only is it the same chord structure, it is the exact same melody. And many people have never even picked up on it!
(I know you are singing it right now just to test it.)
So what’s my point, you ask?
Far too much of the parenting advice found in books, talk shows, blogs (not this one, of course), and even from many experts has a common thread through it. They are saying the same thing but using different words, strategies, and techniques. In other words, they are all using the same four chords and making slight modifications. The “song” (advice) goes something like this (you can use the ABC tune if you’d like):
“Correct your child’s behavior now, demand respect and obedience.”
I break this theme down in more detail in a previous post: Parenting Isn’t Rocket Science…it’s Harder!Unfortunately, this focus on correction is a lot like building a pyramid upside down.
Who would build a pyramid upside down you ask? This guy. Is it even possible?
Not in the real world.
This is where the pyramid scheme comes in…
Parenting Up the Pyramid, Not Down
Ok. So it’s not actually a scheme, but a powerful yet simple parenting model shaped into a pyramid. The model originally came from Dr. C. Terry Warner—founder of the Arbinger Institute—and has loads of research to support it. The parenting pyramid helps parents to look past the behavior—and misbehavior—of their children and start asking the right questions.
If we start with a false premise or assumptions about our kids, then we will inevitably ask the wrong questions—thus, leading us further away from the actual problem.
What Kinds of Questions are We Asking?
Consider the following questions I have recently received from well-meaning parents.
How can we get my teenager to stop skipping class?
What do we do to stop our toddler’s tantrums?
How can I get my daughter to put down her smart phone?
Our child won’t practice the piano. How can we fix that?
As mentioned in my Parenting Isn’t Rocket Science article, each of the above questions is focused on correction—the top of the pyramid. They are also, in essence, asking what to do when things go wrong. This is either flipping the pyramid on its head and starting with correction or assuming that all of the other pieces are firmly in place.
Now contrast the next set of questions with the previous set.
How do we teach our children to be responsible?
What do we do to help our children love each other?
How do we help our children excel in the things they do?
How do we help our children enjoy family activities?
These questions start from the overarching question: How do we help things go right?
Back to the Pyramid
Alright! I know you are dying to see how the pyramid is connected to all this! Me too. Let me break it down briefly and leave you with some homework. But don’t worry; my next posts will go deeper into each one of these levels.
Although correction is a part of parenthood, IT IS THE SMALLEST PART.
The key to effective correction is effective teaching.
The key to effective teaching is a good parent/child relationship.
The key to a good parent/child relationship is a good husband/wife relationship.
The key to a good husband/wife relationship is our personal way of being. Indeed, this quality affects every other aspect of the pyramid; that is why it is the deepest foundation.
Your Assignment
Now it’s time for the homework. With your spouse, think of a problematic behavior in one of your children. Decide carefully together how to ask the right questions — that is, making things go right. Then review the pyramid from the bottom up. Identity at least one thing you can do to improve in each of the bottom four levels. Then report back in the comments below.
The Catch
Remember, if it doesn’t work the first time, it’s not because this really is a scheme. It’s probably because this is a new way of looking at parenting. Don’t forget that improvement—in both you and your family—takes time. Step by step, you can build a happy and healthy family.
