“How can I get my child to do or stop doing ______________ (fill in the blank)?”
If we start with this question then we’ll likely get answers that focus primarily on behavior or action, and not on character or the process of becoming. Granted, actions and character are—or at least should be—linked together. But it is possible–and far too common–to focus on one at the expense of the other.
Beware the Carrot!
Far too much of the parenting advice out there is creating generations of hoop-jumpers—folks who go through the motions without true purpose or conviction. Yet for the most part, we parents gobble up these ideas because we can get immediate results (or behaviors) and thus feel like we are doing things right.
One of the two primary ways to get kids to do or stop doing what we demand is the bribe. Bribes/rewards, in essence, are dangling something that the child values out in front of him or her to fulfill our requests or expectations. We usually refer to the carrot as the dangling item, but I know that none of my children are doing anything for a carrot . . . that’s probably closer to a punishment (which I’ll address in future articles). For your kids, perhaps the bribe is candy, money, gadgets, or something else tantalizing.
The Pizza Ticket Isn’t Much Better
Unfortunately, bribes come with many unintended unintended short and long term consequences. This article could really be a novel filled with research, doctrine, and personal stories illustrating the drawbacks of bribes and artificial rewards. But for now, this post will have to be a little teaser to get your attention. 🙂 I will have my 6-year-old daughter, Naomi, demonstrate what I am about to share. In a candid moment, I was able to interview Naomi without her knowledge as I held the phone casually below my chest. Notice Naomi’s enthusiasm for pizza . . . not reading.
Let’s be honest, if I have to bribe my child to do something then they clearly don’t see the value in it. But we parents usually do see the value. What Naomi—and research—teaches us is the action or endeavor we value becomes a “blah, blah, blah” when an artificial reward is involved because they only care about the “pizza ticket.” Doing a task because you want to is very different than doing it because you want something. Alfie Kohn summarized the mountain of research on rewards this way:
The more that people are rewarded for doing something, the more likely they are to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward.
Besides reading and pizza tickets, we can all think of other examples where this is true:
Grade-focused students are less concerned about actual real learning;
Boy Scouts that are coerced with bribes to get their Eagle will probably get it and only it;
Getting paid to practice the piano will likely lead to practicing but won’t likely produce a love for it
The only motivation that matters is the one that comes from within! That’s not to say that you should avoid all rewards at all times. But perhaps we should use rewards sparingly.
Reflect Before You Correct
If you are appropriately skeptical at this point and asking, “What am I supposed to do instead?” Stay tuned and keep reading my posts. But for now, I’ll invite you to reflect on the following questions:
Where’s the line between treating my child as an individual (working with) and treating them as a pawn (doing to)?
Are my requests and expectations more for me, or for them?
What are the short-term and long-term reasons for why I want my child to ____________?
What natural or intrinsic reward is already built in to the activity? How can I help my child discover that for him or herself?
I realize that most children won’t see the value in something from the get-go, but we don’t have to ruin it for them by making it all about the reward. One alternative to bribes when they have to but don’t want to comes from Mary Poppins. “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and snap! The job’s a game.” This requires mental exertion on the parents part. This also teaches children how to find fun and purpose in mundane things as they grow older.
So what else do we do instead of bribe? Stay tuned for more good things to come!
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Not too long ago, I became aware of a mother on Facebook expressing concern that her 18-month-old daughter was starting to climb out of her crib at night. This was apparently uncharted territory for this mom so she decided to solicit the advice of her many online friends. As I read the responses—mostly from mothers—I was struck by a theme that seemed to emerge. One well-meaning mother captured it this way:
“We put a lock on the outside of the door, cleaned out all the toys and anything that could be a problem from the room and let [our child] climb out. It broke my heart to see their little fingers reaching under the door, then hearing them cry and [eventually] falling asleep on the floor, then picking them up in the morning with carpet face. But it really only took a few nights before they figured out the bed is more comfortable.”
My first reaction to this mother’s suggestion was to post my reply in all caps that this was child abuse! But then I had to remember that this mother is probably lacking understanding, not love. Because little children cannot do things nearly as well as adults—such as speaking—it can be easy to forget that they are people with valid feelings and desires. I believe that the mother who posted her advice loves her child unconditionally; however, I do question whether the child feels unconditionally loved.
I’m sure most parents would agree that children are not just our pets or even our property. I also believe that the vast majority of parents would say that they love their children unconditionally. Yet too often I observe parents “training” their children with “techniques” that seem to be more appropriate for animals. This is especially true for parents of young children where the focus of desired behaviors can overshadow the bigger picture. Such was the case with the little prisoner, who was literally reaching out, crying for their primary source of comfort—their parents.
The Need for Empathy
This sort of approach can be popular among parents because it requires very little effort while seeming to meet the parents’ needs. We also may end up getting the desired behavior in the short term. Unfortunately, this comes at an emotional and psychological price in the long term. Dr. John Gottman has studied in depth the enormous impact that emotional understanding can have between parent and child. In his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, he concluded:
“In its most basic form, empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling. As empathetic parents, when we see our children in tears, we can imagine ourselves in their position and feel their pain. Taking children’s emotions seriously requires empathy, keen listening skills, and a willingness to see things from their perspective. It also takes a certain selflessness.”
I believe that this kind of empathy and understanding is part of the character our society needs and an important barometer for us parents as we measure any parenting advice we receive. The beginning of the answer to this mother’s problem:
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”
For most of us, providing for our children’s emotional needs will probably be more demanding than providing for their physical needs. I offer this reminder for those who can easily forget the big picture:
Your children are what you once were. If you are humble, they will be your greatest teachers.
Horton Got it Right!
As referenced in my post “Rocket Science Ain’t Parenting,” instead of asking how we can get our children to do what we want, it might be wiser to ask, “What does my child need, and how can I meet those needs?” Too many parents–including myself–demand respect from our children without asking ourselves if our discipline strategies reflect the enormous respect that we should have for them.
My hope is that the unconditional love that you have for your child will drive you to accomplish the difficult task of meeting their needs. This may require a courageous look at how our children experience our methods rather than just assuming. I know that we can see our children for who they really are and what they can become, because, after all,
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Before I became a parent, I thought I fully knew what it meant to unconditionally love another individual. Probably because I was a newlywed who was so twitterpated (see Bambi) that loving my new bride was a cinch. She was pretty, she liked me, and she never (well, rarely) threw tantrums or did anything that drove me crazy. As a wise man once said:
“It is easy to be [loving] when things are calm and life is good and everything is going smoothly. The test is when there is real difficulty, when there is pressure and fatigue, anger and fear…Can we be [loving] then?”
As my wife and I began to have children I remember thinking that I was a pretty patient guy. HA! I have found that my patience was the equivalence of Captain America before he was injected with the stuff that made him ripped. I was a complete wimp when it came to patience!
Raising children can be one of the most deeply rewarding yet exhaustingly difficult experiences one can have. Sometimes, however, we try to make parenting easier by using quick-fix strategies that can actually be bad for our child’s development. Let me illustrate with a personal experience.
Moms Complain Too Much
Several years ago, I worked as a tennis instructor while preparing for graduate school. My employer at the time pulled me aside and said
“I don’t know what all these moms are complaining about. I raised two boys on my own and it was a piece of cake!”
He then went on to tell me his “wise” methods for making child rearing easy, which mostly involved providing for his sons’ physical needs (i.e., food and clothing). That conversation stuck with me over the next several years as I studied and worked with parents who all seemed to be having a much more difficult time than this man had had with his boys. I wondered: Did he have a special pill or a magic wand to make parenting easier? Did he have the stuff Captain America was injected with that made him emotionally and psychologically buff? If so, he could make a fortune if he shared his secrets with the world!
Real Parenting is Not for Wimps!
Through the years, my former employer’s philosophy on the ease of child rearing has become increasingly foreign to me. My wife and I often have often encountered difficulty in raising our four children. If children just required physical care like needing a roof over their heads, clothing on their backs, and food in their bellies, then I would agree with my old boss. Child rearing isn’t that hard; in fact, it’s not that different from having a pet!
However, providing for our children’s emotional and intellectual needs requires a continual herculean effort. Parenting expert Alfie Kohn put it this way:
“Forget ‘rocket science’ or ‘brain surgery’: When we want to make the point that something isn’t really all that difficult, we ought to say, ‘Hey, it’s not parenting!’”
Even when we’re trying to meet all of our child’s needs, we may give in to the temptation to seek for quick, easy answers when difficulty arises. The advanced industrial and technological age in which we live has only fueled this craving for quick solutions. Additionally, we may dismiss a really strong, evidence-based parenting principle because it requires effort and patience to see its effectiveness.
If I could summarize a lot of the questions I hear from parents regarding their children, I believe it would be something like:
“How can I get my child to do/not do ____________?”
The implied assumption in such a question is that getting our children to start and stop certain behaviors is our end goal as parents. We just need to find the right technique to merely get our children to do whatever it is we want. Sounds easy enough to me!
Except we parents know that our children are much more than a series of desirable and undesirable behaviors. Perhaps we parents should be asking something more like:
“What does my child need, and how can I meet those needs?”
The Stuff of Growth Was Never Made of Ease
We want them to become something, not just jump through our hoops. Unlike Captain America’s transformation, we must always remember that
The stuff of growth was never made of ease.
If we want to help our children improve, we should seek to improve too. Let us always remember that growth in any area of life is gradual, and it cannot happen without some opposition. There’s no serum or pill that can cause anyone in your family—including you—to become something overnight! Keep a long-term perspective. Avoid any parenting advice that may cause you to neglect any critical area in your child’s development. With work and sound evidence-based principles (not quick-fix strategies), you and your children will get there — a little at a time.
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Tim’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Rob), please also check out the rest of our blog and our Facebook page.
