What Chance Will You Give Yourself?

by | Oct 14, 2022 | Advocacy, Guest Posts

Ghosts From My Mother’s Past

My mother, Debbie Madsen*, was ten years old when she first began to recognize the heartbreaking changes that would come into her life from having an alcoholic father. In a small town in southern Idaho, Bobby and Debbie were the best of friends. They spent their childhood passing through the doors of one another’s homes. That is, until the day Bobby passed out of Debbie’s home one final time, with the vow never to return rolling off his young lips.

My grandfather was one of the kindest, sweetest, and most thoughtful men you’d ever meet, but only when he was sober. Drinking turned him into the worst of the worst; in went the booze and out went Dr. Jekyll. And on this fateful night, Bobby was around when the evil Hyde had full reign in the Madsen home.

When dinner was served, Debbie left Bobby to wait for her in their playroom, doodling on the chalkboard. On the other side of the wall was the Madsen’s dining room. Unfortunately, what Bobby and Debbie didn’t know was that the sound made by the chalk every time Bobby drew would be heard through the thin wall. Every innocent stroke of the chalk caused darkness to gather in my inebriated grandfather. And eventually, my loving grandfather was gone once more. In his place was an angry and hateful Hyde.

Through the thin walls, Hyde began to drunkenly and loudly question the “sounds of a mouse” in the next room. Hyde’s loud, abrasive questioning led him to express possible ways to terrorize and then terminate the “mouse” into silence. Regardless of the implied threats against her dear friend, Debbie still kept quiet; she knew what was best. Alcoholic homes have unspoken rules and they all obeyed them.

As soon as she was excused, Debbie dashed to the playroom and found Bobby with an ashen countenance, deathly quiet, and stricken immobile from fear. Wordlessly, Debbie ushered Bobby out of her house. That night, as Bobby silently passed out of the Madsen home one last time, it was a sense of relief that flooded through Debbie; Bobby was safe.

The next day on the way to school, on the sidewalk in between their homes, Bobby told Debbie he would never step foot in her house again. And he didn’t. As the years continued to go by, Debbie passed less and less through the doors of Bobby’s home. Her life and the secrets it held required more managing, along with the addition of more unspoken family rules that demanded obedience. Eventually, Bobby slowly became a distant, sorrowful memory for my mother.

Bobby and Debbie

Lessons for Today From My Mother’s Past

There are many things my mother wasn’t aware of then that she understands now. While the demands of society during those decades required secrecy, she had never been the only child learning how to deal with an alcoholic parent. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has reported that 7.5 million (10.5 percent) of children aged 17 or younger live in a household with at least one parent who has an alcohol use disorder. As my mother has aged, her feelings of shame and embarrassment have abated as she’s been able to recognize that there is strength in numbers.

Additionally, there are two prongs to the perpetuation of substance use disorders in a family system. The first prong is intimate exposure to substance abuse. The Journal of Child & Adolescent Substance Abuse has reported that children who are raised in a home with a substance-dependent parent have a much higher likelihood of becoming substance abusers themselves. As a result, the family history of the substance abuse cycle takes root and the second prong is born. In research published by Addictive Behaviors, findings show that a family history of substance use disorders creates an unhealthy cycle in family systems that make it hard for children of substance abusers to break. So, the cycle goes on, from one generation to the next.

My mother was too young at the time to notice the other extended members of her family who were alcoholics, too. Her paternal grandmother, great-uncles, and great-aunt all struggled with it to varying degrees. Because of our strong family history of alcoholism, the proclivity to become an alcoholic runs deep within our veins.

Creating Your Own Chance

Now, these two strikes against my grandfather make it seem as though he didn’t have a fighting chance. An alcoholic he was doomed to be…right? The reality, though, is that we all have a chance. We all have a choice. We all have a hand in the creation of what roles we play in our family system. My mother has never had a drink and neither have I. She refused to continue the cycle of substance abuse in her own family of creation, and I am determined to do the same in mine. My mother is strong, resolute, and brave, and I am grateful.

The seemingly insignificant yet sincere invitation I extended to my mother asking her to share the delicate and heartbreaking experiences from her youth opened a dialogue that had previously been closed. With open dialogue, families are empowered. Mental health and healing can be prioritized. Trusted support, professionally and socially, outside of a dysfunctional family system can be found for the substance abuser and their loved ones. What hard questions are you willing to ask so that healing dialogue can happen?

Knowledge matters. Knowledge gives directed courses of action that enable the protection and strengthening of future generations. What ghost stories from your own family’s past need to be shared so that you can help others? I didn’t know it all, but I knew enough to ask. What cycles are you strong enough to not only recognize but also break? Because you do have a chance, even if the only way to get it is by creating it yourself.

(*Name has been changed)

 

References

Acheson, A., Vincent, A. S., Cohoon, A. J., & Lovallo, W. R. (2018). Defining the phenotype of young adults with family histories of alcohol and other substance use disorders: Studies from the family health patterns project. Addictive Behaviors, 77, 247–254. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2017.10.014

American Addiction Centers. (2021). Children of alcoholics: The impacts of alcoholics on kids. https://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/children

SAMHSA. (2017). Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Children living with parents who have a substance abuse disorder. https://www.samhsa.gov/data/report/children-living-parents-who-have-substance-use-disorder

Tarter, R. E., Schultz, K., Kirisci, L., & Dunn, M. (2001). Does living with a substance abusing father increase substance abuse risk in male offspring? Impact on individual, family, school, and peer vulnerability factors. Journal of Child and Adolescent Substance Abuse, 10(3), 59–70. https://doi.org/10.1300/J029v10n03_04

 

About the Author

Rebecca Whittaker has an Associate of Applied Science in Marriage and Family Studies, a Marriage, Family, and Human Relations Certificate, and an Advanced Marriage and Family Functioning Certificate. She is currently working on completing her Bachelor of Science in Marriage and Family Studies through Brigham Young University-Idaho online. The majority of her time as a single mom is spent either homeschooling her three children, furthering her own education, fantasizing about the time she used to have to read at leisure, or relishing an ice-cold soda while soaking up the sun.

 

Working Together for the Best Sex Ed

by | Apr 20, 2022 | Advocacy, Parenting

 

The Public School’s Approach

It was the first week of middle school for 12- year- old Maddie. She was excited, but nervous to start the adventure of middle school. Just as the tardy bell rang, Maddie slid into her seat at the front of the class. The class began with the ordinary introduction of material, including a “getting to know you” survey.  As she filled out the survey, Maddie was surprised to see a question asking students which pronouns they preferred. The survey also asked if the school could share that information with their parents.

Across the street, high-schoolers were being presented with a worksheet entitled, “The Gender Unicorn.” The worksheet was supposed to teach students about the differences between gender identity, gender expression, biological sex, and physical vs. emotional attraction. In a school that requires parent signatures for watching movies rated anything over PG, gender education was taking place without parental consent or knowledge. 

The Debate: Moral vs. Secular 

With the introduction of the Equality Act, incorporating sex and gender education in schools became a hotly debated topic. Of course, there are strong arguments for both sides of the issue, and the debate has left many communities divided. Educators are being asked to teach about a topic that covers both secular and moral principles. On the other hand, parents are mad about being left in the dark when it comes to the sex education of their children. 

Our country is at a crossroads when it comes to the gender and sex education of our children. Whatever your views on gender and sexuality, our children are growing up in a society that includes pronouns and genders beyond he/she, male/female. Carrie Hunt clearly stated the issue when she said, “what once brought purpose, clarity, definition and identity to a child both individually and socially, now comes in so many varieties that many children struggle to find their grounding.” 

What Can We Do?

So how do we help children find their footing? Should schools continue to push such education without parental consent in the name of protecting and leading children? Should parents try to shelter their kids from such education because only two genders really exist?

It seems the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Having a healthy understanding of sexuality and gender is crucial to finding purpose, clarity, and identity in life. Because of this, it’s important for children to receive some form of education on the topic. Parents and educators tend to see eye to eye on this. Over 93 % of parents feel that sex education is important for their middle and high school students. And 33 states have emphasized the importance of sex education by mandating it for public schools. The division then comes down to the lack of curriculum transparency between the school and parents. Surprisingly, only 5 of the 33 states that mandate sex education require parental consent in order for children to receive instruction. 

Even though parents want their kids to learn about sex, many families fail to teach their children in the home. Data shows that this vital instruction is not occurring often enough. Maybe this is because parents don’t know  how to appropriately broach these topics with their children. That being said, national surveys find that nearly all teenagers have received sex education by the age of 18. Where do they get this education? Through public schools. Since gender and sexuality education isn’t happening in the majority of homes, public educators have taken upon themselves the role of teaching kids about sex. 

Schools & Parents Working Together

For the most part, we can agree that parents and educators have the child’s best interest in mind. While parents are generally responsible for instilling moral values and religious beliefs in their children, schools are responsible for teaching secular subjects. But gender and sexuality education encompasses both secular and moral teachings. 

Because of this, the best solution involves clearly defining the boundary between the two. With the ever-changing terms and ideas children encounter, schools should first and foremost encourage parents to be the preeminent voice in teaching their kids about sex. In addition, parents and schools must work together to decide on appropriate sex education curriculum. As parents and schools work together to establish an honest, transparent relationship, they will be able to clearly define the line between public sex education and private sex education. This open and transparent communication is vital in order to teach sex education in a way that allows our children to find purpose, clarity, and identity both at home and at school.

Laura Ellis is a Junior at BYU-Idaho studying Marriage, Family, and Human Relations. As a mother of eight, she is passionate about child and family advocacy. She has actively worked within her community to help change policies that threaten children and the family.

Aborting a Fetus or a Legacy? My Plea to the 8%

by | Apr 6, 2021 | Advocacy, Guest Posts

My Great Grandma’s Legacy

Great Grandma Eulalia was 48 years old when she was pregnant with my Grandma Sue. Due to some health complications, the doctors urged Eulalia to terminate the pregnancy for the sake of her own life. Not wanting to prematurely steal away Sue’s chance to live, Eulalia refused the abortion and accepted her possible fate.

On March 29th 1943, my grandma Sue was born in a successful delivery. She struggled with some health complications, including polio, but she was a fighter and gained her strength over the years. Eulalia also regained her strength and lived to see her daughter grow into adulthood. Both women dedicated their lives to service, family, developing talents, and finding happiness in the small and simple things. To this day, my Grandma Sue is a radiant source of love and wisdom. She reflects the selfless sacrifice that brought her into this world.

I am so grateful that my Great Grandma Eulalia was courageous enough to risk her life for my grandmother’s chance to live. Imagine how tragic it would have been to cut Sue’s life short when, in the end, she was to be born a healthy child. If my Grandma Sue had been aborted, my dad would have never been born. I would have never been born. My great grandmother was a hero for her valiance. Without her desire to give her daughter all she had—even her own life—generations of lives would never have come to pass.

 Abortion Today

Abortion is a hot topic in the United States today. The constant debate still stands: Who do we defend? The mother, or the child? In a 2019 survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, 61% of adults believed that abortion should be legal. Reasons for supporting abortion stem from a sincere concern for the mother. Some of these reasons can include: observing the rights and choices of the mother, interruptions in personal life plans, age of the mother (e.g., being too young or too old), and cases of rape. Additionally, supporters may view abortion as an act of compassion towards the unborn child. After all, who wants to subject a child to a fatherless or poverty-stricken home? Above all, perhaps the most fervently supported reason for abortion is the potential health risks that could endanger the mother’s life.  

According to research provided by the John Hopkins Hospital, 8% of pregnancies entail health complications that are threatening to the mother and/or child’s life.  These complications are real and truly frightening.  Sometimes, even with careful consideration of the child’s life, termination of the pregnancy is necessary.  However, with the advanced medical care provided today, these brave women can look not only at the risks, but also the possibilities.  My plea is to the 8%—and all those who stand with them. Think of the life you can give. Think of the lives they can give. Abortion does not only terminate one life—it can terminate generations. I am evidence of that!

Your unborn child is not only a daughter or son, but a future sibling, spouse, parent, grandparent, citizen, and friend. Your child could be one of the brilliant minds to join the battalion of doctors, lawyers, educators, scientists, and political leaders. Consider the impact your unborn child could have on others!

This isn’t just a matter of you or the child. This is a matter of everyone who will ever come into contact with them. Your child will be a valuable contributor to society as one of the rising generation. We need their mind, their heart, their passion, and their influence.

 Is Abortion the Only Option?

Some believe women deserve the right to choose to terminate the pregnancy. But when you have only one solution, that doesn’t actually give you a lot of choice, does it? If we want women to be truly liberated—let’s give them options! You don’t have to be pinned up against the wall with abortion as the only way out.

Thankfully, many doctors are dedicated to helping women have a healthy, successful pregnancy. Many organizations also aim to help expectant mothers preserve the life of their child and the mother regardless of their situation. Pregnancy Resource Centers offer a variety of services across the nation. Some are simply centers dedicated to providing mothers with the best information necessary to make an educated decision about their pregnancy. Others offer more extensive services such as medical aid, parenting classes, help finding employment, and adoption.  

PRCs are making a difference case by case, life by life. For example, a Parenting Support Program in Indiana is happily serving 72,000 women already.  This program has helped many of these women turn away from abortion and find a safe, alternative route to keeping the pregnancy.

Click here to find help near you! 

Life for Your Lily


Eulalia named her daughter Sue—meaning lily. The lily flower represents purity, fertility, and new life. My grandma Sue is a beautiful representation of all that the lily flower signifies. She couldn’t defend her own life from the womb. She lives today because her mother chose life for her.   

Be brave like my Great Grandma Eulalia. Choose life for your lily!

  

 

 Sue Deon Olsen Jensen
1943 – Present 

 

About the Author

About the Author

Juliette Jensen is a senior at Brigham Young University-Idaho. She will graduate in July 2021 with a bachelor’s degree in Child Development.  After graduation, she plans to pursue a master’s degree in Speech and Language Pathology.  In her free time, Juliette enjoys music, traveling, writing, and spending time with friends and family.

Where Have All the Fathers Gone?

by | Jan 19, 2021 | Advocacy, Guest Posts, Parenting

Father holds baby

My Dad’s Influence

Growing up in a family with 9 kids — 8 girls and 1 boy — my dad did everything he could to meet our needs and to keep us safe. When I was young, my dad would go around the house late at night after everyone was home to lock the doors. This is just one simple way my dad worked to keep his family secure and protected. I felt safe, cared for, and even more importantly, deeply loved when my dad was around. 

His influence on me and our family was profound. He was kind, involved and worked hard to provide for and protect our family. He strove for continual improvement in his life and loved my mother fiercely. I couldn’t be more grateful for my dad. Can’t you just see how much he loves his family in the photo below?

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Unfortunately, the scenario I grew up in is not the reality for a large number of children growing up in the world today. And I know there are many amazing single moms among us raising their children to the best of their ability. However, this circumstance is not the ideal for families. Research shows that children thrive best with a mother and a father to care for and raise them. Children with involved dads do better emotionally, socially, and academically than kids without dads around.

The Problem with Fatherlessness

Unfortunately, fathers’ influence in the home, community, and world is rapidly diminishing. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 19.7 million children, more than 1 in 4, live without a father in the home. As fatherlessness becomes more and more commonplace, you may be tempted to ask, “Is it really that big of a deal?” The answer is a resounding YES! And here’s why.

Fatherlessness is at the root of what drives so many problems with kids growing up in the world today. Research shows that kids who grow up without dads at home are much more likely to engage in behaviors that are detrimental to themselves and to society. 

Without a father in the home, children are: 

  • Twice as likely to drop out of high school
  • More likely to abuse drugs and alcohol
  • Four times more likely to live in poverty
  • Seven times more likely to have a teen pregnancy

The evidence is clear that having a strong and stable father or father-figure in the home leads to strong children, families and communities. 

One Solution: Watchdog Dads

Not only do we need dads at home, but we need them in the community as well. In 2012, I served as the PTA (Parent Teacher Association) president for my children’s elementary school. While serving, I learned about a program called (Watch D.O.G.S (Dads of Great Students) and decided to bring it to our school.

It was amazing to see the difference this program made in the school and community. Each week dads would volunteer to help around the school and in the classroom. Seeing dads (or grandpas or uncles) participate on a daily basis was incredible! The kids loved seeing that father figure (or even their own dad) wearing his watchdog t-shirt with pride, walking down the halls, smiling and giving all the kids high fives. Students would follow him around as if these dads were rock stars—and they practically were! 

Kids would line up to sit by him at lunch, beg for his assistance in the classroom and light up when they saw him as they came and left for school each day. Everyone wanted the “dad” on their team at recess. Every day I noticed that the Watchdog Dad was a force for good! These Watchdog Dads showed people at school and in the community just how important fathers and father-figures really are.

What Can We Do?

We can no longer casually sit on the sidelines. This issue is real and important! We can and should promote fatherhood in our homes and communities. Here are some ways to make a difference and get involved:

We need to praise and support fathers in their fathering. As the dads around us step up to their roles as fathers, we must look to their example and honor the gift of fatherhood. We must also help fathers take their place in our homes and communities. Having a father in the home is a great thing, but we need fathers who are actively involved in their children’s lives, who set a good example for them, who live honorably, who provide for physical and emotional needs, who participate in the home with loving authority, and who protect their children in every way he can. 

While the number of fatherless homes is devastating, the goal is not to merely have dads home. We’re not just saying, “Let’s get dads back in homes.” We’re saying, “Let’s get dads doing good fathering.” 

The saying goes that kids don’t come with an instruction manual. Yet thankfully for today’s dads, there’s no shortage of fabulous resources to support fathers. If you’re a dad that’s sitting on the sidelines, jump in and take your place as a father! For the rest of us, our job is to cheer these dads on in their efforts to become present and improved fathers.  As we do our part to promote and strengthen fatherhood, we’re strengthening the entire family, the community, and the world. 

For more information on the importance of fathers, check out fatherhood.org for statistics, research, and resources.

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Meet the Author

Amy Chariton is currently finishing her undergraduate degree in Marriage and Family Studies and following graduation wants to pursue a master’s degree in Marriage and Family therapy. She is married to her sweetheart of 20 amazing years. They have 4 kids who are her whole world. Her hobbies are trail running, hiking, backpacking and anything in the Utah mountains.

Why I Chose to Be a Stay-at-home Mom: What I Should Have Told the Dentist

by | Feb 27, 2018 | Advocacy, Parenting

stay at home mom

At the Dentist’s Office

 

I don’t know about you, but I always feel awkward when the lady cleaning my teeth asks me questions. It normally goes a little something like this:

Dental hygienist: So, where are you from?

Me: *trying not to get that yucky toothpaste on my tongue* Uh, Rexburg.

Dental hygienist: Oh. Do you like it here?

Me: *trying not to drool on myself* Uh-huh.

Anyway, I think you know what I’m talking about. It’s not the easiest thing to carry on a conversation while someone’s hands are inside your mouth.

But this last dentist visit, conversation was even trickier than usual.

When the dental hygienist found out I’d just had a baby, she offered the token congratulations.  When she found out I recently graduated with my bachelor’s degree, she once again congratulated me.

Then she asked me a question, one that shouldn’t have taken me by surprise:

So now what?

She asked if I was planning on graduate school, or what career I hoped to have. I struggled to explain to her that while I want to go on to grad school one day, I wouldn’t be doing it right now. And my husband has a solid job secured that will provide well for our family.

So, I said, I would be focusing on taking care of our baby. I want to be a mom.

She just kind of looked at me, as if being “just a mom” was a totally foreign concept.

This conversation was getting more uncomfortable by the second.

It was as if she couldn’t comprehend why someone would go to college and graduate, only to stay home changing diapers and doing laundry. (And some days I feel like that too, especially when I’m scrubbing poop out of yet another onesie.)

Although I’ve long advocated for motherhood, I’ll admit that I didn’t adequately explain my future plans to this puzzled dental hygienist. So today, dear readers, I hope to at least partially make up for that by letting you all know why I chose to be a mom.

 

Moms Make a Difference

 

Growing up, I was never sure what I wanted to be. Because I enjoyed most subjects in school, one day I’d want to be a band director and the next day I’d hope to become a biologist. It seemed to change from week to week, but one thing always stayed the same: I wanted to make a difference.

There were a few years as a teenager when I didn’t want to be a mom. I thought because I’m not naturally your have-some-milk-and-cookies-sweetie kind of gal that I just wasn’t cut out for mom-hood. I thought I could make a bigger difference as a counselor or a nurse, a teacher or a medical researcher.

But then I realized something important: you don’t have to be a cookie cutter mom to make a difference. You don’t have to be good at crafts and canning and cute-outfit-planning. You just have to love.

My little girl doesn’t always have an adorable outfit on with matching hair bow. And sometimes I less than cheerfully get up in the middle of the night to feed her. But my baby still grins at me all the same. Her eyes tell me, “It’s okay, mom. I know you love me.”

And I do. Whether she looks cutesy or not, boy do I love her. And it’s that love that makes all the difference.

 

Loving Mom, Healthy Kids

 

There are a lot of ways moms can have significant impacts on their children. It turns out that loving moms can make a big impact on their children’s physical health. For instance, research shows that a mom’s love can offset some of the health challenges normally associated with poverty. Kids who would usually be at greater risk for type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and obesity are instead likely to be physically healthy as adults.

Not only this, but mothers can also help their children have healthier relationships. One longitudinal study found that when kids have a healthy attachment with their mothers, they tend to have better social skills, better emotional regulation, and better conflict recovery — all things that help them form more secure relationships in the future.

Being an involved and concerned mother can also help my children educationally. While some may think that staying at home with my kids is a waste of an education, my decision to be with my children is doing a world of good for their educational future. According to research from the National Education Association, when parents are involved in their children’s education, kids are more likely to perform well in school and go on to graduate. And this is “regardless of family income or background”!

 

That’s Why I’m a Mom

 

Don’t get me wrong: anyone from a counselor to a nurse, a teacher to a medical researcher can certainly make a difference. I’m so grateful for all the people who choose professions to help other people. And for those moms who either have to or choose to work outside the home, I applaud you for being able to juggle it all!

But I guess what I wish I had explained to the dental hygienist is that I chose to be a stay-at-home mom because I want to make a difference too. And just because I’m not getting paid to do it doesn’t make it any less worthwhile.

 

 

Elizabeth Warner is the content manager for Family Good Things, recently gave birth to her first child, and graduated with a bachelor’s degree in marriage and family studies. For more articles by Elizabeth, Dr. Rob, or Dr. Tim, check out the rest of our blog and our Facebook page.