by Rob Stewart | Aug 24, 2016 | Marriage
Before considering how selfishness may be showing up in your marriage, let me first share a quick disclaimer about the title.
Honestly, I was pretty proud of myself for making a clever play on the old saying “sex, money, and rock n’ roll.” Then, a few hours later I sadly realized that the saying was actually “sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll” – thus making my title less clever. But this not-as-clever-as-I-once-envisioned title was still better than my other lame attempts…so I’m running with it. 😎
Now, on to selfishness within our marriages.
The Sexual Relationship
Healthy marriages are clearly based on so much more than just the physical relationship. However, a mutually satisfying sexual relationship still plays an important part! Author and intimacy expert Laura M. Brotherson shared a number ways in which couples can benefit (both individually and as a couple) as they prioritize lovemaking.
Among these reasons, she noted that sex can improve emotional intimacy, can be a great stress reliever, can actually boost the immune system, can build self-esteem, can improve sleep, and more.
A healthy and mutually satisfying sexual relationship really is a necessary ingredient for a happy marriage.
So, how are things going in your marriage? Is it possible that you’re allowing sexual selfishness to sabotage your marriage?
Sexual Selfishness Quiz
- Do you only consent to sex when you are in the mood?
- Do you insist upon sex when your spouse isn’t in the mood?
- Do you genuinely care about your spouse’s sexual satisfaction?
- Do you place this bonding marital act low on your to-do list?
The sexual relationship can be a wonderful aspect of a healthy marriage. However, when selfishness exists, this part of marriage can become an area of disagreement, stress, and frustration.
Finances
Money issues can cause stress in many marriages. Let’s face it, life can be expensive! Lots of articles talks about how financial stress can harm your marriage (see this NY Times article as an example).
Sadly, too many of the “money issues” couples deal with are self-inflicted.
As you take this quiz, honestly check yourself. Is financial selfishness is an issue in your marriage?
Financial Selfishness Quiz
- Do you often find yourself thinking more about buying what you want rather than what your spouse would prefer?
- Do you thing about whether or not your purchases fit within your family’s / couple’s budget?
- Do you purchase things without your spouse’s consent (or against his/her will)?
- Are you sneaky with your spending (like hiding some of your purchases from your spouse)?
Over the years, I’ve come to realize that selfish financial behavior is pretty common. If you struggle with this, please recognize that these habits could really hurt your marriage.
The Blues
There’s one more area of selfishness that’s a bit sneakier: self-loathing (see this article for more information). Let me clear: being consistently down and hard on yourself is not a very pleasurable form of selfishness. But if we’re consistently “blue,” it can still damage the marriage just like other forms of selfishness.
We all experience some sadness of course. And there are some who struggle with clinical depression and may benefit from medical attention to help with this illness. However, for the rest of us, as we frequently allow ourselves to remain mired in our own “pity parties,” we are unable to give our best to the marriage relationship.
Take this last quiz and ask yourself, are there “pity parties” that are hurting your relationship?
Self-loathing selfishness Quiz
- Do you often find it hard to love and serve your spouse because of how you feel about yourself?
- Do you allow negative thoughts about your body or your appearance to impact your physical relationship?
- Do you convince yourself that you are not a good spouse and then allow those destructive thoughts to become a reality?
Among other things, marriages need consistent attention, friendship, and passion if they are going to thrive. Since we all have a limited amount of time and energy, if we choose to focus inwardly we won’t be able to give the time or energy needed to have a great marriage!
So What!?
I have yet to see a marriage that hasn’t encountered selfishness at some point. But how we respond to our own “humanness” (as well as the “humanness” of our spouse) makes all the difference.
If you’re guilty of any of these forms of selfishness, for the sake of your marriage, work at it! We all have the ability to improve!
Please remember that happy marriages don’t simply happen. Rather, they are the result of consistent effort and intentional decisions to nourish the relationship.
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by Rob Stewart | Aug 9, 2016 | Marriage
“I Want to Hold Your Hand”
Some months back my wife and I went to a local concert with a Beatles tribute band. Not surprisingly, one of their featured songs that evening was the 1964 hit “I Want to Hold Your Hand.”
I left this concert with two main takeaways.
First, and less importantly, I now sort of understand why my wonderful father-in-law dressed like he did in the early 70s.
Second, and more importantly (especially since I am a marriage and family scholar), I started thinking about the importance of such a simple act – holding your spouse’s hand.
And let’s face it: don’t we all want to be one of those cute older couples who are still holding hands decades later?
And is it possible that holding hands with your spouse now may help you still be happily married then?
Ahh, patience! We’ll cover that shortly. But first, a quiz!
Pop Quiz
Do you remember the anticipation leading up to holding your spouse’s hand for the first time?
Were you the one brave enough to make the first move?
Did this simple act fill you with warmth and closeness toward your future spouse?
However, wherever, and whenever it happened for you and your spouse, I bet you still fondly remember the details!
Our Memory
For my wife and I, it was on a date a few weeks after we met. Carissa and I had already enjoyed a few dates together. This evening we were watching a play at a local theater.
I really don’t remember much about the play.
Why?
In part because it was a long time ago. Mostly, however, it was because my mind was completely preoccupied with my desire to hold her hand.
Well, why didn’t I just take it you might ask? After all, nothing ventured nothing gained, right?
But, as it was, I was a big chicken! Notwithstanding the fact that her hand was intentionally beckoning from the armrest (as she would later confess), we were well into the third act before I finally had the guts to hold her hand for the first time.
If I had a hard time remembering the play before I held her hand, I had no chance remembering what was happening for the remainder of the play.
Thoughts like these were running through my head:
“I can’t believe it, this beautiful girl is letting me hold her hand.”
“Ugh, you fool, why didn’t you try this an hour earlier?”
“I really wish this was a seven act play.”
This simplest of physical touches, holding hands, sent butterflies through my body that day. It was wonderful.
I bet many of you have similar memories!
Why We Need to Keep Holding Hands!
While most newlyweds generally excel in the area of physical touch, it turns out that holding hands has benefits for all marriages (regardless of how long you’ve been married). Consider this fascinating TED talk from Dr. James Coan (PhD and assistant professor of psychology at the University of Virginia).
According to this research from Dr. Coan, when we hold hands with our spouse we actually send signals to each other. More specifically, this simple act of holding hands sends signals to your spouse’s brain suggesting that “I am here with you”. Over time the signal can grow even stronger to the point that it signals to the brain that “I am you.”
Fascinating, isn’t it?
There is something romantic about the notion of “becoming one” in marriage. This is often manifest as we share our dreams and triumphs, as well as our frustrations and challenges. Likewise, in obvious ways, we become one with our spouse during sexual intimacy. But it is amazing that simply holding hands can subconsciously help us feel of this desirable “oneness” in marriage!
Your Assignment!
So, if you do want to be married long enough to be one of those adorable older couples walking hand-in-hand through the grocery store, then commit today to frequently reach out for your spouse’s hand.
Remember, even simple acts can strengthen a marriage!
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
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by Rob Stewart | Jul 7, 2016 | Marriage
We’ve all had those friends who are stuck in miserable marriages. Maybe we’re even stuck in one ourselves! But are we really stuck? Except for cases of tremendous trauma (such as abuse, infidelity, and neglect), the way out is not as hard as it may seem. We actually get to decide how happy we want our marriages to be.
Don’t believe me? Well, read on!
We Decide if We Give our Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt
In happier marriages, couples seem to have a positive filter that influences the way they respond to each other – even during times where offense, frustration, disappointment, or anger would be natural responses. Dr. John Gottman refers to this as positive sentiment override.
In other words, so much positivity builds up in the marriage that it’s easier to overlook little frustrations. The overall positive balance counteracts the negative. Or, as a wise friend said, when we don’t know one’s motives, we default to an assumption of goodwill (see this previous article for more additional information).
Happiness Tip #1 – Remember, giving the benefit of the doubt is our choice. Though this may be difficult at times, as we consistently make this choice, we choose a happier marriage!
We Decide if We will Forgive our Spouse
You’ve probably heard this quote from 18th-century English poet Alexander Pope: “To err is human, to forgive, divine.”
While this principle is true in so many aspects of life, constant and complete forgiveness is a critical component for anyone choosing to create a happy marriage.
Too often, the inability to forgive slowly destroys relationships that could otherwise be happy. Because we all marry imperfect people and we all continue to make mistakes, forgiveness is necessary for every marriage!
Happiness Tip #2 – Forgiveness, while not always easy, is always a choice. If we really want an amazing marriage, holding onto grudges can’t be part of our relationship. Remember, to choose to forgive really is divine!
We Decide If We Will Be Resilient or if We Will Give Up Easily
Have you ever experienced disappointments in your marriage? Have you dealt with unexpected financial or health challenges? Are you facing difficulties in your marriage right now?
You probably answered “yes” to at least one of these questions.
While we each face different struggles, research suggests that it’s not necessarily the stressor itself (unemployment, illness, etc.) but rather how we respond that has the largest influence on our marital satisfaction.
For instance, research shows how some couples coping with a husband’s cancer still improved their marital happiness, even during such a hard time. Other research demonstrates how some couples were able to maintain their marital satisfaction even through the heart-wrenching trial of the death of their child.
Why were some couples in these studies able to thrive in spite of their difficult challenges while other couples struggled? The answer, at least in part, is resilience.
Happiness Tip #3 – We choose how we will respond to adverse situations (including tough times during marriage); in other words, we can choose resilience! Remember, strong marriages are formed, in part, by their ability to weather the storms of life. Trials and challenges will come to every marriage. But, how we respond to the “bad weather” will greatly influence our ability to achieve marital bliss.
By applying these three tips, you can choose to be happily married. So give the benefit of the doubt, forgive, and don’t give up. Choose happiness today!
by Rob Stewart | Jun 2, 2016 | Marriage
You women are fantastic at giving each other compliments. I hear it all the time at the office and in my classrooms. It is not uncommon at all to hear remarks such as:
“Cute shoes!”
“I love your new haircut!”
“You’ve lost weight haven’t you? You look great!”
There really is nothing quite like a sweet and genuine compliment to help brighten your day! No matter our age or gender, it seems like everyone enjoys receiving compliments of all kinds (including kind words about our appearance).
A Few Caveats
First, this article is simply based on my observations. I am not aware of any research on this topic. However, I believe these ideas still valuable ideas that can help any marriage.
Second, even though this article is targeting wives, husbands are not exempt! Wise husbands understand the importance of giving sweet and genuine compliments to their wives. Our wives should frequently hear from us how beautiful they are (both inside and out).
If Not From You, Then From Who?
However, if we men fail in complimenting our wives, unacceptable as this may be, you women generally still receive frequent compliments from the women in your lives (friends, colleagues, even strangers).
While we might not show it, did you know that we men crave genuine compliments just like you women do? The difference is that if your husband isn’t hearing compliments from you (especially compliments about his looks), he may not be hearing these from anyone else.
Even though I’ve worked with many men over the years, I don’t generally hear these comments coming from other men:
“Hey Ralph, I love those new slacks! You look so skinny in those pants.”
“Bill, did you do something different to your hair? It looks great today!”
And, I’m not going to lie, I’m not entirely sure that I want other men telling me that I look handsome.
Not only do we not get compliments from other men, but once we men get married, other women generally don’t compliment us on our looks (and understandably so).
As a wife, you really are the best chance for your husband to hear compliments about his appearance!
A Compliment a Day
My challenge for you women is to give a genuine compliment about your husband’s looks at least once per day. Yes, keep complimenting him on his parenting skills, his work ethic, and his sense of humor.
However, also give him frequent genuine compliments about his appearance. This will likely be the only time he hears it. And, whether we admit it or not, we husbands want the assurance that our wives still find us attractive!
But it shouldn’t just stop at compliments. There are plenty of ways to show your spouse that he’s just as attractive as ever!
Why Stop There?
I get the sense that you are the type of woman who wants to do more to strengthen your marriage than simply share a genuine compliment each day. If I’m right (and I bet I am) then I suggest that you go find your husband and kiss him (and kiss him good)!
If you want to pleasantly surprise him, kiss him like you did when you first fell in love. Try this a few times per day! This will certainly help your man feel like you still find him attractive.
So, rather than a quick peck as he heads out the door, surprise him with a passionate kiss as you part. That will put a smile on his face and a spring in his step (and likely gross out your kids at the same time . . . an added bonus).
Plus, this fun and simple act of kissing your spouse more, will actually strengthen your marriage (see The Magic of the Six Second Kiss).
Quick Review
- Give daily compliments to your husband (including compliments about his looks).
- Kiss him like you did when you were newlyweds!
These two principles may seem simple, but reminding your husband that you’re attracted to him could make a big difference in your marriage. So next time you think your husband looks good, let him know!
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
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by Rob Stewart | Apr 18, 2016 | Marriage
Some of you won’t like what I have to say here. In fact, if you consider yourself “a romantic,” this article might initially anger you. But please read the entire article prior to chiding me with your remarks in the comment section! Honestly, understanding this concept can save marriages!
The Myth of the Soulmate
The idea of soulmates is a well beloved myth indeed. Those that hold this expectation generally believe that there is one, and only one, right person to marry – their soulmate.
The idea of a soulmate is quite a romantic notion and has been the plot of countless cherished books and movies. But, please pay attention – this myth is incredibly dangerous. Let me explain!
Dangers Caused by the Soulmate Myth
There is one major hazard for those who prescribe to this myth. Those who assume that marital bliss is a result of finding their one soulmate dangerously shift responsibility away from improving themselves or nurturing their marriage.
In other words, rather than working hard on our own individual improvement and working equally hard at nurturing our marriage, we can be tempted to assign all the blame to the spouse.
A 2014 study noted that couples either view their marriages as destiny or growth. Couples that view their marriage as destiny generally believe that their spouse is their soulmate. One of these researchers, Dr. Spike W. S. Lee, noted the following during a recent interview:
“If we are soulmates, then nothing will go wrong in our relationship, and it will be easy. A conflict makes a destiny-believer question whether the current partner is actually their soulmate, and then they give up on working it out.”
Too often, “destiny” couples who are not happily married (though they had ironically once believed that their spouse was their soulmate), simply believe they were duped and that they didn’t marry their soulmate after all. Somewhere, their soulmate must still surely exist.
Can you see the danger here? Not only are we less likely to work at a marriage if we assume it will come easily to the two of us (due to the belief that we found our “one and only”), but couples are also more likely to sever such a union when times get tough.
There is, of course, a need for certain marriages to end in divorce. But I suspect the number of actual divorces would be much lower if we realized how poisonous this soulmate myth actually is to the marriage relationship.
Lest you feel sorry for my wife for my utter insensitivity to this well-beloved myth, might I suggest a more romantic solution?
Each of us should spend our best efforts in becoming one another’s soulmates. Now that really is romantic! See, I told you I’d make it right!
Becoming each other’s soulmate is a worthy goal for every couple. So, while my wife could have found marital happiness with other guys and I surely could have married other women, today neither of us could imagine life without each other.
Become Your Spouse’s Density (I mean destiny)
Becoming each other’s soulmates doesn’t just happen accidentally. Rather, it is the result of intentional effort, love, forgiveness, and a reduction in our selfish tendencies. Unlike the dangerous soulmate myth, actually striving to become one another’s soulmate would be a fantastic (and realistic) goal for any couple striving towards a ridiculously happy marriage!
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
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by Rob Stewart | Mar 12, 2016 | Marriage
To say that marriages need love is about as obvious as saying peanut butter needs chocolate.
We read about love, we watch movies about love, the most popular songs on the radio sing about love, and we even devote a holiday to love!
But what people might not know about love in marriage is one key factor: the importance of loving ourselves.
We Should Love Ourselves (in the Right Way)
It is my observation that we can’t fully love someone else while we are loathing ourselves. So, if we want to truly love our spouse, we need a healthy love for ourselves first.
I do need to give a quick disclaimer. There is a lot of selfish behavior that can arise in marriage under the guise of “loving oneself.” Please note that I am not suggesting that the way for us to love ourselves is to spend more money on ourselves, spend more time seeking selfish pursuits, or to become narcissistic in our thinking. I’m also not suggesting that we become disinterested in our own self-improvement.
What I am suggesting is that we need to think more kindly about ourselves. And we need to become a bit more patient with ourselves as we strive to make necessary improvements.
I once had a wise student who said, “If a friend talked to us the way that we talk to ourselves, would we be friends with that person?” That’s a rather thought provoking question, isn’t it?
In addition to thinking more positively, I am pleading with you to stop comparing yourself to others. This habit can destroy individuals and marriages!
Are Your Social Media Habits Helping or Harming Your Ability to Love Yourself?
Have you ever spent time on Facebook and thought, “Wow, everybody has either just lost 20 pounds, is on vacation, is celebrating an anniversary to their amazing spouse, just posted pictures of their perfect family, or just received an incredible promotion at work.”
I know that not every Facebook post is like that, but I’ve seen so many that are – you have too. How do these posts affect us? Is it possible that our social media consumption can impact how we feel about our own lives?
This may be the case according to research out of Sweden from the University of Gothenburg. These researchers found that, especially for women, as Facebook usage increased, self-esteem decreased.
Another study noted that those with low Facebook usage reported higher levels of self-esteem than both heavy Facebook users and non-users.
Interestingly enough, the second study suggests a potential benefit to what I like to call “social media in moderation.” In that study, people who limited their use of Facebook were not only happier than more frequent users, but also felt better about themselves than those who didn’t use Facebook.
Why is This So Important?
Earlier I suggested that learning to love ourselves comes before we can fully love our spouse.
When we think of selfishness in marriage, we usually think of individuals pursuing their interests without thinking of their spouse. This type of selfishness can definitely harm a marriage!
However, there is another type of selfishness that arises too often in marriages. This sneaky form of selfishness can arise from our own self-loathing. If you don’t believe me, ask yourself the following questions:
- On days where you are “down,” what percentage of your time are you thinking about your partner’s needs?
- How likely are you to selflessly serve your spouse when you are feeling “blue”?
- When you aren’t feeling good about yourself, how readily do you demonstrate your love to your spouse?
We all experience some sadness of course. And there are some who struggle with clinical depression who may need medical help. However, for the rest of us, as we allow ourselves to remain mired in our own “pity party,” we are unable to give our best to our spouse.
Among other things, marriages need consistent attention, friendship, and passion if they are going to thrive. Since we all have a limited amount of time and energy, if we choose to focus inwardly we won’t be able to give the time or energy needed to form and maintain such a marriage!
Thus, loving our self is a first step to truly loving our spouse. In the words of 19th century Irish poet Oscar Wilde, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
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