by Rob Stewart | Jun 16, 2015 | Marriage
Marriage really can be wonderful!
I’m definitely in favor of marriage and the joy that can be found in it. Unfortunately, a few sneaky myths can fatally harm a marriage before it even begins. For example, think about the dangers that could await the woman (or man) who views marriage as their great escape! Expecting life to magically become perfect once you’re married is as unrealistic as it is dangerous.
Let’s look a bit more closely at this first deadly expectation.
Deadly Expectation #1: Everything will be better once I am married
Over the last decade, I’ve taught hundreds of university-age students. While these students are wonderful and a joy to teach, some of them fall into the “I’ll be happy when ___” trap. And, while this can be “I’ll be happy when I’ve graduated” or “I’ll be happy when I land my dream job,” far too often students believe “I’ll finally be happy when I’m married.”
Dangers of Deadly Expectation #1
Can you imagine how incredibly difficult life must be for the spouse of someone who has this unrealistic marital expectations? If someone expects a life of ease, constant bliss, and an absence of trials, how could you ever hope to make him or her happy? Unrealistic expectations can poison a marriage even before it begins.
Sadly, too many marriages have ended unnecessarily because one or both spouses had an unrealistic fantasy of what marriage should be like — while not being willing to put forth the effort to make the marriage wonderful.
Deadly Expectation #2: Marriage is bound to fail
Teaching university marriage classes is both enjoyable and challenging. Not only are there some students each semester who long to be rescued (myth #1), but, just as dangerous (and possibly even more prevalent) is the expectation some students have that their future marriage will be doomed to failure.
A study of high school students found that some of the respondents gave themselves a 100% chance of divorce if they married in the future. Yikes! How can some people have such a negative view on marriage?
When covering the topic of divorce in my marriage class I do an attention-getting activity to start the lesson.
First, I have the students move their desks into a semicircle and I place a box in the middle of the room. Next, I give each student four Starbursts (one of each color). I also write on the board something like this: red = 1, yellow = 2, pink = 3, orange = 4+.
The students then make a tally of the number of divorces experienced by family members or close friends. Finally, on the count of three, I have them toss the appropriate Starburst into the box.
Each time I do this exercise, almost every student ends up tossing a Starburst at the box. Many even toss in the Starbursts that represent a higher number of divorces.
This is always an eye opening exercise for me and for my students. With so many divorces in society today, can you see how some people start to lose hope in having a happy marriage?
Dangers of Deadly Expectation #2
You may have heard of the social science term “self-fulfilling prophecy.” The term can be defined as a prediction that causes itself to come true. In other words, because we expect a certain outcome (often negative), we’ll do things that virtually guarantee that outcome.
So, if a surveyed high school student, a terrified college student, or any of you believe that marriages are doomed to failure, your marriages may indeed be at great risk – ironically due to those very expectations.
What’s the solution?
You have to believe that wonderful marriages exist! (There really are so many of them.) Find those marriages and find out what makes them strong. Then, form your own realistically high expectations for your own marriage. In other words, expect your marriage to be wonderful – then nourish it, prioritize it, and treat it in such a way that it will become wonderful.
However, please also remember to expect challenges. Then, rather than becoming disenchanted with marriage when life gets hard, you can work to find joy with your spouse. As you work together to face challenges hand-in-hand, your marriage truly can be wonderful!
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
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by Rob Stewart | Jun 2, 2015 | Marriage
Between orchestra concerts, soccer and baseball games, and end of school year activities, we were constantly on the go during the month of May. Is the month of May like that for any of the rest of you? While we love our children and want to support them, months like these can wear parents out a bit. Additionally, we’ve noticed that the busier we become, the harder it is for the entire family to get enough sleep.
Because it can be so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life, it’s so important to be intentional with both how many activities kids are involved in as well as how much sleep kids are getting. This isn’t just important for the happiness and development of the children, but also for the sake of the marriage relationship.
1. Be intentional with the amount of “out of the home” activities.
Our family settled on a rule of 1 extracurricular activity at a time per child. You may agree or disagree with our specific approach (but that really isn’t the point of this article). The general principle, however, can apply to everyone. Intentionally reducing unnecessary busyness may have more benefits than you’d think!
For our family, applying this principle has helped us protect some of our precious family time (our busy month of May notwithstanding). While much could be written about the parenting benefits of intentionally preserving family time, think about how having less on your collective family schedule could help you and your spouse have more time to nurture your marriage.
For instance, if your family schedule was a little more open, would it be easier for you to have more frequent “pillow talk,” weekly dates, more time for romance, or more spontaneous conversation? Simply put, if your family’s schedule was a little less busy, would it be easier for you and your sweetheart to spend more time together strengthening your marriage?
For the record, that was a rhetorical question. I already know the answer. 🙂
2. Be intentional with children’s bedtimes.
There are various suggestions for how much sleep children need; however, the recommendations seem to be reasonably consistent. One site (WebMD) suggests that our 5 children should be getting between 9-12 hours of sleep each night (depending on the age of the respective child). Ensuring that our children actually get this much rest can take a lot of effort on our part (especially as our kids figure out that their friends don’t sleep that long). However, as is so often the case in life, the path of least resistance rarely yields the most desirable results. In this case, sleep provides countless developmental benefits for the children, as well as also providing benefits for your marriage!
Nourishing your marriage while children are in bed
For parents with children still in the home, would your marriage benefit by having an hour or two of child-free time each evening? I suspect that for most of us, the answer would be a resounding yes. And please don’t feel guilty for feeling this way. Like me and my wife, I’m sure you love your children dearly! However, it’s essential for spouses to have their own time together regularly.
How the time is used may not be as important as having that time together. Marriages can be strengthened by doing dishes side by side, exercising together, reconnecting after a busy day, and even kissing for six seconds (or more :)). Years of research conducted by Dr. John Gottman suggest that a deep and abiding friendship provides the foundation for a satisfying marriage.
There are many ways to nourish that friendship. However, carving out some alone time each evening can be a great way to maintain that marital friendship. Of course, this works better if the parent’s bedtime is intentionally later than the children’s bedtime. If everyone goes to bed at the same time but children simply sleep in longer, we may miss that opportunity to strengthen our marriage
Really, I could write a whole article on why kids need enough sleep. But this doesn’t just affect the kids. As you already know, the frustration from dealing with sleepy and grouchy kids can often spill over into the marriage relationship as well.
I believe it’s a wonderful “coincidence” that children (even teenagers) require more sleep each night than their parents. This provides opportunities for couples to strengthen the oft-neglected but critically important marriage relationship.
Start Today!
It can be so easy to get caught up in activities and to-do lists that our marriages can easily get shoved aside. But as we are intentional with how much our kids are involved in, as well as with how much they sleep, we can make time to really nurture our marriages. So try these simple steps today and take one step closer to an even happier marriage!
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
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by Rob Stewart | May 18, 2015 | Marriage
The Verdict
When you were first married, you kissed your spouse more often (and longer) than you do now.
Your Sentence
Read this brief article and be willing to do the homework (best homework ever).
Warning #1
If you haven’t yet been married for a year, this article will be confusing and hard to follow. Please wait to read this until you are no longer a newlywed.
Warning #2
If you aren’t married, don’t start getting any crazy ideas. While our oldest is only 14, my wife and I are toying with the idea of having a “no kissing until 30” family rule. We haven’t totally thought this through yet, including the potential risk of delayed grandparenthood, but we think the rule has potential. 🙂
Your Life
Odds are, you’re busy. You have many responsibilities at home, at work, and likely in the community as well. You’re probably often tired. And, when you and your spouse are reunited, you quickly peck his (her) lips as you continue on with your hectic schedule.
The Problem
While you’re dealing with the business of life, your marriage still needs physical affection! It’s true that physical intimacy (including kissing) is just one of many aspects of a happy marriage. Yet in my years of studying, teaching, and observing marriage, it seems that physical intimacy isn’t optional for those who truly want to experience marital bliss.
Happy couples know that they need to nurture every aspect of the marriage relationship in order for their marriage to thrive. And while this intentional nurturing certainly involves more than just physical intimacy, and physical intimacy clearly includes more than simply kissing, this article focuses on the benefits of the six-second kiss!
The Research
Dr. John Gottman, PhD and renowned marriage researcher from the University of Washington, has studied marriage for decades. Dr. Gottman has frequently referenced the importance of connecting during times of departure (leaving for work, falling asleep, etc.) and times of reunion (returning from work, waking up in the morning . . . you get the idea.). How does he recommend that you connect with your spouse? You guessed it! With a six-second kiss. Why six seconds? According to Gottman, this kiss is “long enough to feel romantic,” yet it doesn’t make the kids late for school :).
Did you know that kissing also releases oxytocin, which is the same hormone that is released when a woman breast-feeds her baby? This hormone is partly responsible for the connection and comfort that mothers and babies share with each other. This hormone can also help husbands and wives bond more as… drum roll please… you kiss more.
Gross Your Kids Out! (Secretly, They Like It)
My wife and I have been practicing the six second kiss for a while now. I told her it was research for a future article. 🙂 There are certainly times where we can enjoy a kiss without children being around. However, with five energetic children often hovering near their mother, my “good-bye kiss” and my “I’m home kiss” often have an audience. For years this show of affection has been met by loud resistance from our oldest son (now 11). Of course, being the sympathetic parents that we are, we have begun to either call his name before we kiss or prolong the kiss if he starts complaining. 🙂
On a more serious note, children really do crave the security of knowing that mom and dad love each other. Knowing that their parents enjoy kissing each other is one such assurance. So, you have my permission to “gross your kids out.” It’s good for you and good for them.
Homework Time
Alright, now it is time for one of the most enjoyable homework assignments you’ve ever been given. Your assignment is to kiss your spouse for at least 6 seconds at two different times during the day! Try this for one week. Then, before, during, or after your assignment, please leave comments with this article or on our Facebook page. I want to hear from you!
Also, if you haven’t already, please be sure to sign up for our newsletter (on our home page). That way you won’t miss out when we post new articles! And, if you like this article, share it with your married friends. Chances are they need to be kissing more too. 🙂
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
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by Rob Stewart | May 6, 2015 | Marriage
January 1st is a great time to set goals for the upcoming year. There’s something about the calendar turning over from one year to the next that creates renewed motivation, determination, and optimism in many of us. It’s almost magical! We often feel empowered to make improvements that we previously hadn’t been able to make, hadn’t wanted to make, or hadn’t even realized that we needed to make.
But we clearly don’t have to wait for the calendar to turn to set goals that can bless our marriage. Regardless of the time of year or the current state of your marriage, as you read this article, consider how setting goals can help strengthen your relationship.
How do we react to disappointment?
As I write this post, it is currently May (and thus a long way from January 1st). I hope many of you are still doing well with your resolutions. But let’s be honest: some of you haven’t used your gym membership for 4 months now have you? 🙂 Others haven’t stuck to the diet quite as closely as you intended in January.
So, how do you respond to the adversity of failing – or to the adversity of succeeding at a slower pace than you desire? Do you easily give up? Do you beat yourself up with negative self-talk (“What made me think I could accomplish this goal?” “I’m just not as talented as others” “I knew I wasn’t strong enough!”) Or to prevent future disappointment, have you quit setting goals altogether?
While I suspect we’ve all been disappointed as we fall short of our goals, please recognize that these responses to adversity (negative self-talk and apathy) are toxic. In fact, they can even reduce our marital satisfaction.
Thomas Edison – King of Failure?
I’ve always been touched by how Thomas Edison reacted to failure. Do you realize that he had approximately 10,000 failed attempts before successfully inventing the incandescent light bulb? That is incredible to me! At some point (probably multiple points), he had to be tempted to throw in the towel. But he didn’t. In fact, Edison is credited with saying, “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
Wow! So, how can someone like Edison continue among so much failure? What trait or characteristic did he possess? I would suggest that the answer is resilience (and in Edison’s case, extraordinary resilience!).
The Case for Resilience
Now, let’s consider the need for resilience within the context of the marriage relationship. Have you ever disappointed yourself and/or your spouse by your behavior? Has your spouse ever disappointed you? Have you experienced unexpected financial challenges? Have there been health issues in your family? In short, have you had, or are you currently experiencing, unmet goals or frustrated expectations? The answer to at least some of these questions is “yes” for all of us.
What Does the Research Say
Research suggests that it isn’t necessarily the stressor itself (unemployment, illness, etc.) but, rather how we respond to the disappointment that has the largest influence on our marital satisfaction. For instance, some research shows how certain couples coping with the husbands’ cancer were still able to see their marital happiness improve even amidst the trial. Other research demonstrates how some couples were able to avoid drops in marital satisfaction even through the heart-wrenching trial of the death of their child.
Why were some couples in these studies able to thrive notwithstanding their difficult challenges, while other couples struggled under such trials? The answer, at least in part, is resilience.
My Challenge to You
Though it’s no longer January 1st, please still take a moment to set one more goal for 2016. Decide today to intentionally strive for increased resilience, both individually and as a couple. The good news is that we can choose how we will respond to adverse situations (including tough times during marriage). Remember, strong marriages are formed in part by the ability to weather the storms of life. Trials and challenges will come to every marriage. But how we respond to the bad weather will greatly influence our ability to achieve marital bliss.
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our
blog and our Facebook page.
