Almost three years ago I had my first “porn talk” with my kids. This came about after reading a simple article about teens and their ever increasing access and inevitable use of pornography. As I read, I became frustrated, then scared and finally determined. I knew I had to educate my kids immediately about this danger, as well as every parent I came in contact with.
I didn’t have all the answers that first day, but it didn’t matter. I opened the door to a new dimension in my relationships with my three kids. A dimension that brought a closeness and unity to our family that was not there before.
Just days after this first talk, I began doing serious research into the devastating effects of porn consumption by children. I read, I dug, I pondered, I planned and within a few months I had created a non-profit organization. An organization that focuses on teaching parents how to create deep connections with their kids and start some pretty challenging conversations about the dangers of pornography, and its opposite, healthy sexuality.
In those first few months of researching, organizing and layering conversations with my kids, I had a tremendous worry. Was I “giving my kids ideas” (or creating an unhealthy curiosity that was not there before)?
The answer became apparent. Yes! I was “giving them ideas.”
And I want you to give your children the same ideas.
Give your kids the idea that you are a great source of reliable, honest information. Let them know through your words and actions that you can speak calmly, comfortably and rationally about human issues that affect all of us, namely, curiosity and sexuality. As you initiate discussions about these topics and pornography, share your personal experiences, spiritual values and expectations kindly and thoughtfully, your child will soon get the idea that his parents are human and make mistakes. They will also see that you are ready to talk about “tough” topics and more importantly, listen to them. I promise you as you answer your kids questions openly and sincerely and they will come back to you for your wisdom and empathy.
I also want you to give your kids the idea that there is nothing shameful or “awkward” in asking questions about and discussing one of the most amazing experiences available to human beings: true intimacy expressed through sexuality. By discussing the positive aspects of sex, you can help them know that sexual intimacy is good, beautiful and enjoyable. Follow this up with a discussion about healthy sexuality’s opposite: pornography. Take the time to explain how porn is the opposite of intimacy, can be addictive, can condition the brain, harm relationships and damage a person’s ability to relate and empathize with others.
Finally, if you continue these discussions at each stage of development, your child will get the idea that curiosity is a God-given gift. He will get the idea that his feelings and questions are normal and natural when you let him know that any question is okay and that you will not judge him harshly for asking ANYTHING.
So if you find yourself saying, “I don’t want to give them ideas.” My answer to you is “Yes! Yes you DO want to give them ideas!” By tackling these crucial topics, you and your child will grow closer together and she will know that she can rely on you to provide helpful information in a loving manner. Here are some topics to guide your conversations:
What Does a Younger Child Need to Know About Sexual Intimacy?
Protective Information (my body belongs to me, good touch/bad touch, how to say “no”)
Bodily Knowledge (anatomy, functions of anatomy, where do babies come from)
Relationship Basics (self-respect, respect for others, romantic love vs. friendships)
Media Savvy (healthy and unhealthy media messages, body image)
*When your child is ready, discuss the mechanics of sex
What Does a Younger Child Need to Know About Pornography?
What it is (define it)
Where it exists (smartphones, tablets, computers, etc.)
What to do when you see porn (Name it, Get away from it, Tell parents, Discuss feelings with seeing it, Deconstruct the images seen, How to prevent further exposure)
Why it should be avoided
What Does an Older Child/Teen Need to Know About Sexual Intimacy?
Sex is healthy and amazing
Intimacy (connecting with another human being) should be the focus
Positive and negative aspects of sex
Protective Information (consent, how predators groom kids/teens)
Bodily Knowledge (puberty, body image, masturbation, mechanics of sex)
Relationship Advice (self-worth, boundaries, healthy vs. abusive relationships)
Media Savvy (healthy/unhealthy media messages, sexting, social media)
What Does an Older Child/Teen Need to Know About Pornography?
When my son was 5-years-old, one of his neighbor friends told him about naked women he had seen in some pornographic picture or video. He said in a matter-of-fact way, “Let’s talk about sex.” This friend roamed the neighborhood A LOT and when he wasn’t roaming he was in front of a screen. His family was religious, loving, but unaware of what their boy was being exposed to.
On another occasion, a friend of mine once told me of witnessing a different 5-year-old boy in the neighborhood laying on top of a slightly older girl kissing her mouth and trying to do other things that the boy had apparently witnessed elsewhere. The girl seemed to be enjoying the attention. I’m sure (or at least hope) the parents of the boy would be mortified if they knew what their son was doing.
I could go on and on with stories about children learning and doing things that would horrify their parents. And to this day, these parents probably still don’t know about it.
Both of these stories have two things in common: 1. A young child was exposed to sexual images and then tried sharing or acting on it, and 2. The parents of these children were not involved enough to know what was happening, let alone offer guidance.
Pop Quiz
True or False: Putting your kids in a lot of activities is the same as you being involved in their life.
The answer: capital F-A-L-S-E!
Don’t worry. If you answered incorrectly, you can still make up the points by reading the rest of this article and then applying it.
There is a disturbing trend in much of our society that is going undetected. It is this:
We parents are not effectively involved in our children’s lives and this is leaving them vulnerable to unhealthy messages about love and sex.
Now before you start to despair because you already feel over-booked with your kids lives, or before you begin to attack me….hear me out.
Oblivious to the Obvious?
There are several reasons why this problem is going undetected. Some of the reasons are legitimate while others are merely excuses. This is certainly not meant to be an exhaustive list.
The illusion of involvement.We may feel that ensuring that our children are busy with soccer, gymnastics, piano, clubs, etc is how we stay involved in their life. Because we take them from place to place and book their schedules it can give us a false sense of involvement. Quality of involvement is as important–if not more so–than quantity.
Parental freedom. The more we keep our kids occupied, the more we can get done. We can spend more time cleaning the house, at work, or on screens (TV, Facebook, etc).
Uninformed voters. Many parents are simply unaware of the negative consequences of under-involved parenting. They could think: “I played outside all day and had very few personal interactions with my parents growing up and I turned out okay.”
I know that you want to your child to not just survive, but thrive. Your heart is all in! But it is possible to love a child totally and completely but not in the way her or she needs. It is possible for your child to be involved in so many activities without you actually being involved in their life.
Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs you to do.
Did you know that the strongest and most consistent predictor of children’s mental health, adjustment, happiness, and well-being is the level of involvement of their parents in their life?
Children with involved parents are also more likely to share if they have been exposed to pornography or if someone has touched them inappropriately.
Ok. To be completely honest, this article is about more than just parental involvement. I’m really just building up to talking to your kids about intimacy, sexuality, and its counterfeits. But, how can we teach and influence our children about these things if we don’t understand their hearts and minds? How can we understand their hearts and minds if we aren’t effectively involved?
Porn Kills Love
In our day and age, our children are going to be exposed to pornography. The question is not so much if they are going to see it, but when. We cannot control the choices of peers, the parents of our peers, and many, many other sources. Yet, the more connected and effectively involved we are, the more influence and guidance we can offer.
A student recently told me that her best friend was sexually abused as a child. Sadly, her friend kept it from her parents for many years because she didn’t know how to talk to them about it. In her friends’ home, they didn’t talk about the body, intimacy, and so on. It was taboo. She is now receiving therapy and getting the help she needs. But if this girl had a more open, communicative relationship with her parents, those years of guilt and depression could have been minimized.
So What Do I Do?
You’re probably wondering how to become effectively involved in your child’s life to the point you can have regular chats about love, intimacy, and pornography. Stay tuned! I will be blogging about this and also publishing an ebook about this at the end of June.
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Tim’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Rob), please also check out the rest of our blog and our Facebook page.
Though I am annoyed and frustrated as I write this article, please don’t discount the content as the article draws on research and the principles are sound.
Likewise, though I was outraged at the extreme behavior of these two parents, please know that I don’t pretend to be a perfect parent myself – far from it.
That said, I am a bit angry!
Screaming “Little League” Mom
Last week I attended my 12-year-old son’s baseball game. Like his father, this child adores the game of baseball and generally has a good time win or lose.
On this particular evening, the starting catcher was out of town. The young man who was catching didn’t have as much experience, so he missed a few balls and made a few errant throws. Honestly, this child’s performance wasn’t much different than most of the other boys on the team.
However, I quickly started to feel awful for this young catcher – but not because of his baseball skills. Rather, after every mistake there would be a harsh and loud criticism from a woman in the crowd (presumably his mother):
“DON’T DROP THE BALL!”
“CONCENTRATE!”
“THROW THE BALL BACK TO THE PITCHER!”
“QUIT MAKING MISTAKES!”
Look, I’m no rocket scientist, but I’m going to guess that this child wasn’t trying to perform poorly in front of his family and peers (for full effect, read the prior sentence with dripping sarcasm).
C’mon mom!
Like me you might be thinking, I wonder if her son even enjoys playing baseball anymore. Honestly, I don’t know how he could (especially when mom is present). I left that game incredibly frustrated about what that obnoxious parent was doing to her child’s development. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!
Four Days Later
Fast forward to Saturday and I was then watching my 8-year-old son play in a soccer game. Please note that I said 8-year-old son (not my 28-year-old son playing for the World Cup Championship game).
This time the “obnoxiousness” came from a dad on the other team. I don’t believe I am exaggerating to state that he yelled at every young child on that team. I had never witnessed such an incredibly competitive (and poorly behaved) spectator at a children’s soccer game. I honestly couldn’t believe it. I felt so badly for those children (especially whichever one was his).
You Are Better Than That (Literally)
While these two instances frustrated and saddened me, I gratefully acknowledge that most parents aren’t that destructive to the psyche and self-esteem of children.
Most of you are about as opposite as you can possibly be from the parents I described above. I suspect that if you are the kind of person who reads marriage and parenting articles, you are likely an intentional and engaged parent (not a perfect parent…none of us are, but one who is diligently striving to build your children and give them the best opportunity to succeed in life). Keep it up!
But, even for those of us striving to be mindful and intentional parents, is it possible that we too may be guilty of over-criticizing our children?
The Most Common Parenting Mistake
Dr. Kenneth Parish (Ph.D. and a therapist of 30+ years) noted that the most common parenting problem that he has observed through his work with children and families is that parents are too critical of their children. In his article entitled The Harmfulness of Criticism, Dr. Parish noted that much of our criticism is well-intentioned. “We criticize because we are anxious about our child’s future. We want her to improve, and eventually succeed in a competitive world. We think of our criticism as constructive, or not as criticism at all, but rather as instruction and advice…”
Yep, I’m guilty of thinking that way sometimes. How about you?
3 Reasons Why Criticism Can Be Harmful
First, according to Dr. Parish, “when frequent criticism persists, all other efforts to improve our family relationships are likely to fail.”
Second, for those with teenage children, neuroscientists from Harvard, Cal-Berkeley, and Pittsburgh recently shared research findings that suggested that adolescent brains simply “shut down” when being criticized by a parent.
Third, additional research also noted that children’s self-esteem can plummet when parents are overly critical.
Obviously, none of us want these negative outcomes. So what can we do?
The Antidote to Criticism
At the conclusion of Dr. Parish’s article, he noted the following: “There is no better antidote for frequent criticism and argument, and no better way to help children bounce back from the common frustrations and disappointments of childhood than patient and respectful listening.”
So, there it is!
The challenge for you and for me is to take the time to truly listen and empathize with our children. But, as you strive to patiently listen to your children, don’t forget to also include some patience for yourself too. We may all inadvertently slip back into “critical parent” mode from time to time!
Becoming consistently patient and respectful listeners may not come easily for all of us (especially when we are stressed or busy), but it is absolutely worth the effort!
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Rob’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Tim), please also check out the rest of our blog and our Facebook page.
This is one of the most common questions asked to those who have just revealed they are expecting a little one.
This question is logical, understandable, and completely accurate. From a biological perspective, it would be more than a little unreasonable for the expecting parent to respond:
“We don’t know. The child hasn’t decided yet.”
Two Faulty Extremes
The differences in boys and girls, males and females, can swing between two extremes:
All gender differences are socialized and learned through culture and therefore can be unlearned. This leaves the door open to choosing one’s gender. (I’ve seen this philosophy heavily promoted at the United Nations.)
All differences in boys and girls are biologically-based which often creates old-fashioned sex roles and stereotypes. This can lead parents and teachers to believe and promote that boys don’t feel emotions (except anger) and girls can’t do math.
The problem with both of these perspectives on gender is that neither of them are based in science — and both harm individuals and society. It can be tempting to believe whatever’s popular on Facebook. But just because every post in your social media feed promotes an idea about gender, it doesn’t make it true.
In his book Why Gender Matters, Physician and Psychologist, Dr. Leonard Sax wrote:
There is more at stake here than the old question of nature versus nurture. The failure to recognize and respect sex differences in child development has done substantial harm over the past thirty years.
Clearly, swinging to either extreme can be problematic.
On the other hand, well-conducted research can help us understand natural laws that govern life. Once we really understand these natural laws, we can help not only ourselves but also those we love.
So what does the research say?
Although there is a lot of good science out there, I will briefly touch on 4 areas where boys and girls inherently differ — and why that matters for all of us.
1. Brain Structure & Language Processing
Ladies. Your brain tissue is intrinsically different from guys. This process starts in the womb. You didn’t have a choice. That’s just the natural way that the X & Y chromosomes made it.
Male brains are also much more compartmentalized than female brains. For example, boys process and express their language in the left hemisphere of the brain, and girls use both sides.
2. Seeing is Believing
One study looked at how newborn babies would respond to their visual environment. A female nurse stood over a crib with a mobile swinging next to her. The vast majority of the female babies stared at the face of the nurse while most male babies watched the moving mobile. Girls are born wired to be interested in faces and boys in moving things. No wonder guys like football and fast machines.
This is biological, people! These babies have not been “socialized” by their environment.
3. Color Me…Different
Walk into a kindergarten class and give all the children a piece of paper for drawing. Tell them they can draw whatever they want. The lion’s share of the boys will draw action and use colors like black, silver, and blue. While the girls will draw people or things and use the colors red, orange, green, and beige. As Dr. Sax wrote:
“Girls draw in nouns, boys draw in verbs.”
That’s because the internal structure of the eye differs in both males and females. This isn’t a choice. It is hardwired. Does this mean that boys will never draw a face or a flower? Of course not! This study simply helps us understand the biological preferences and why they exist.
Nurture can influence nature, but it can’t change it.
4. Toying with Biology
Multiple studies have helped us understand children’s toy preferences. Researchers gave babies between 9-18 months old toys to play with. Almost all the boys chose the truck while the majority of girls chose the doll. Developmentally, children at this age don’t really understand what their gender is and what it means. But if you understand biological differences this makes sense.
What about girls who play with trucks and boys who play with dolls? Even though this is the minority, it’s still worth asking. It’s important to understand that a feminine boy and a masculine girl still have a brain that is wired to their gender. Based on what we know about brain differences, it is likely that girls like playing with trucks for different reasons than boys do.
So What?
I have barely scratched the surface on this research. But we all need to be more informed about which gender differences are biological and which are not. This will help parents and teachers meet the child’s needs more effectively. Boys and girls think, learn, see, hear, and develop differently. Understanding these differences will help us create better and more scientifically-based policies.
Female teachers and parents should not tell a boy that he can’t draw simply because it is a rocket going to space rather than a pretty face.
We can emphasize the unique contributions that both a mother and a father bring to their sons and daughters.
Rather than teaching children that they can choose their gender or that they need to fit rigid, unfounded stereotypes, we can help children own their gender. Will there be variability within each gender? Indeed!
For more information on this, you can email us questions for our next podcast or read the book Why Gender Matters.
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Tim’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Rob), please also check out the rest of our blog and our Facebook page.
Not too long ago, I was driving home from a stressful day of work. There were so many things I didn’t get done that day and it weighed on my mind. I didn’t want to be distracted by these thoughts while with my children so I decided I’d try to check a few more items off my list.
I called one of the many people I needed to call back. Unfortunately, the call lasted longer than expected and I was still on the phone when I pulled into my driveway. My four and seven-year-old daughters came running up all excited to see me. As they bounced up and down and opened my door, I put my finger up with a smile to signal: “Give me one minute.”
They quickly lost interest and went back to playing with their friends. So I thought I’d answer two or three more emails on my phone.
When I finally did walk through my front door I was checking a text. I wish I could tell you that this is where it ended. But to be short. I checked Facebook, brought my phone to dinner, and was physically present but emotionally absent most of the evening.
Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself (and Your Relationships)
When I set out to write this article, I was totally ready to write about the impact screens are having on our kids. Especially because far too many parents give their children smartphones and tablets way too early.
Then I realized that there is a bigger fish to fry. Parents really need to put on the metaphorical oxygen mask first before they put it on their child.
Another way to think of this is the blind can’t teach those who are still learning to see. This is all to say that we parents can’t guide our children in the digital age when we have our own problem.
This is especially dangerous for the parents who don’t even think their phone is impacting their parenting.
Let’s take a quick test. Be honest!
How often do you use your phone to deal with feelings of stress, boredom or inadequacy? In other words, are you phone-medicating?
Do you know how often you look at your phone and is it intentional? In other words, do you personally screen your screen time?
Do you find being with your children less interesting and exciting than checking Facebook and seeing that red indicator? In other words, are you disconnecting from family for artificial connection?
Are people always put before machines at family dinner? In other words, did you know that what your kids really want (and need) for dinner is your attention?
Have you ever noticed that your parenting skills decrease as your phone usage increases? In other words, did you know that your parenting will be more inconsistent and slapdash the more you use your phone?
These questions require serious, honest reflection.
I am old enough to remember life without smartphones, Facebook, YouTube, and even the Internet. Occasionally I wonder: “What would my parenting look like without screens? Would I be a better listener? Would I more effectively assess and solve the problems in my family?”
It seems that we’ve come to accept this technological takeover as the norm. As a professor of family studies and as a parent, I am convinced that far too many of us parents are unaware of what’s happening.
We are wired to connect. But we are disconnecting wirelessly.
At least 70% of people say they check their smartphone within an hour of getting up.
56% check their phone within an hour of going to sleep
48% check over the weekend, including on Friday and Saturday nights.
51% check continuously during vacation.
44% said they would experience “a great deal ofanxiety” if they lost their phone and couldn’t replace it for a week.
Unfortunately, we have every reason to believe that these numbers have only increased over the past 3 years.
5 Ways to Reclaim Your Mind and Your Parenting
I know you are a conscientious parent. If you struggle–like I do–to be smart with your smartphone, here are 5 ways to get your mind and heart back into your parenting:
Be intentional. Be the master and not the servant of your phone. Take time after the children have gone to bed and do an honest evaluation of where you could improve. Consider the special moments you could be missing.
Set boundaries. Make sure certain times are sacred. Eat together. Play together. Work together. If you can, put your phone on vibrate, turn it off, or set it in another room.
Be mindful. Take time to meditate and clear your mind. Instead of using your phone as a coping mechanism, disconnect and learn healthier ways to deal with boredom and stress.
Solve problems. Once you have learned how to be mindful (it takes practice), the feelings of inadequacy and failure that often come with parenting can be put in their proper place. You’ll be surprised how many parenting issues you can solve if you mindfully disconnect once a day.
Be patient. As you work to improve at being more present in parenting, be persistent but also patient with yourself. (A nice bonus is that as you follow these ideas you will find yourself being more patient with your kids!)
You can do this! The love you have for your children is stronger than anything you will experience on social media. Let that desire for real connection drive you.
Please help us strengthen families by sharing this article with your friends and family! Likewise, to see more of Dr. Tim’s articles (as well as articles by Dr. Rob), please also check out the rest of our blog and our Facebook page.
My years as a single mom taught me how to strengthen my family and become a better mother.
When I left my husband 8 years ago, I was an emotional train wreck. My very young daughter was clueless as to what was happening, but she knew things had changed and she didn’t like it. It was a dark and scary time for us. I clung to the Lord, and He led me every step of the way. I learned how to create a strong family amidst the rough battle of divorce.
There were, surprisingly, a few perks to my new reality; it was a relief not to worry about dividing my attention between my spouse and my child, and being able to make all the decisions without having to compromise was a huge plus!
If you find yourself in a similar situation, I hope you will find use of these 6 ways to ensure a strong family as a single parent:
1. Speak kindly of your ex.
I could write novels about all the terrible things my ex did during the course of our marriage and fill bookcases more of all that has transpired since then. But as far as my daughter knows, her dad is an angel. She adores her dad, and I’m thrilled that she feels that way. No one wants to hear that someone they love has done something wrong. Your children should not know what caused the separation. They should not know when your ex does or says something mean. It is your responsibility to protect them from the pain and disappointment. If you need to vent, write in your journal or call a friend when you are certain the kids can’t hear your conversation. This step is vital!
2. Schedule time together daily.
Show your children that they are a priority by spending time with them daily. Help them with homework, play a game, watch a favorite tv show. What’s most important about this time is that it’s free of distractions (especially phones and tablets), and that you are doing what your children want to do, not what you want to do. Take an interest in their interests, learn what makes them annoyed and what thrills them. Do this consistently and without a hidden agenda. Soon, they will trust you enough to tell you the things that they fear, things that they are tempted by, and their innermost hopes and dreams.
3. Continue routines.
As much as possible and as is appropriate for your family, continue the routines your children were used to. Like you, they have been through much change and need some consistency. Routine can feel like a safety net for children. If you have always read a bedtime story to your children, keep reading! If every Friday you order pizza, don’t stop now! It will be wonderful for you all to have something familiar during an unfamiliar circumstance.
4. Start new traditions.
While it’s important to maintain normalcy, it’s also important to start some new traditions as you form a new identity as a family. This can be a great discussion you have with your children- maybe each of you could choose 1 new tradition to start. Keep in mind that your visitation likely does not allow you to see the children each holiday, so you may need to celebrate Christmas a day early or Valentines a day late. My daughter told me the best part about having divorced parents is getting to have Santa visit her twice!
5. Make rules clear and consistent.
It is so difficult for children to go back and forth from Mom’s house to Dad’s house with new rules and guidelines at each place. Something you can do to ease their burden is to be very clear about what you will and will not allow while they are in your home. When is bedtime? How much TV is allowed each day? Be clear about consequences, and always follow through. Your children need boundaries, now more than ever.
6. Be strong and optimistic about the future.
If you are constantly negative about your circumstance and expressing worry for what’s to come, you are saying to your children that life is miserable and it probably won’t get better. It is alright to be upset, sad, and worried. But it is not alright to be transparent with your children about those feelings. Be the pillar of strength they can cling to when their world tosses them around.
Raising children alone is difficult, and sometimes feels impossible. But by following these steps you can increase the likelihood of happiness within your family!
